I find myself at odds these days. My body and mind begging for downtime. My to do list begging for attention. You know how it is when you have two whiny kids pulling on opposing pant legs voicing their complaints in some sort of dramatic minor-scaled mini-opera? Suddenly your emotions get carried away in the crescendo of it all and you come in with your own dis-harmonizing whine that floats above theirs creating a perfect cacophony of shredded nerves and tears. That is my inner battle today. Well...lately. You see, my beautiful daughter, Monica, is getting married in May to handsome -and wonderful - Danny Porter. And while I'm truly delighted for them, I am also at the end of myself...or so it would seem. (More on that later.) Having planned, helped plan, consulted on, and/or coordinated five weddings in the last three years something in me is balking at the well thought out "wedding task list" that I printed out a few weeks ago. You would think that after all that experience I could jump in with gusto and "get 'er done!" But Self seems to be staging a sit-down strike - with one pant leg firmly in her grasp. Bleh. Isn't it much more fun to think about all the wonderful things we do in serving the Lord and our families, than to remember - and deal with - all the bad attitudes, trust issues, and whininess that we have to repent of and wade through each time? It's all yuck and I'm stuck...cuz the to do list whiner has the other pant leg.
Then there is the other wedding friend who dropped by last night. Wakefulness. She was expected, but not for a few weeks yet. It seems inevitable - for me at least - that as I lay my head down at night my brain snaps to full alert mode when there's something big looming. "What about this? Who will do that? How on earth will that work?" In terms of a wedding it blossoms into full visualizing of room layouts, wedding attire, buffet tables -and every minute detail that I dare not forget - dancing through my mind like a succession of 30 second YouTube videos...without cool background music. Does this happen to anyone else? Suffice it to say, by 4:15am I gave up, donned my fleecy robe, and headed for the kitchen. It was 4:15! I was awake and hungry! So there I sat in darkness with my Cheerios and the laptop browsing through Facebook, being reminded of people who needed prayer..."and Lord I know I'm one." "Just a poor wayfaring stranger...." Well, strange, at any rate.
So now I sit on that same comfy couch with the sun streaming through the window mocking my desire to be sulky and do nothing today. Am I really at the end of myself or will I let Self have her way...again? I'm thinking I've pretty much had it with all the dramatic tension. So I will now remind myself of the strategies I have for shaking her off. The Lord has provided them all.
Truth. His word tells me that "[He] will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in [Him]." (Is 26:3) He planted this verse in my brain nearly ten years ago. He knew I'd need it. Another one came with it, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Ps 73:26) Today my heartand my flesh are failing. It's a two-fer! The Word is full of truth that reminds me of the Lords love for me, His provision for me, His awesome power, and His protection. I learned something many years ago that has become my baseline question in times like these. In my mind it goes something like this: "Ok. That's how you feel, but what does the Word say?" Training my mind back to the truth always brings order to any chaos of operatic proportions.
Trust. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Prov 3:5,6) The Lord burned this one into my heart over twenty years ago and it still challenges me to look beyond what I see and remember that the Lord is high above me in knowledge, thoughts and ability. (Is 55:8,9) I have to choose to turn my eyes, my heart and my will to the Lord in trust. I cannot trust myself. That is well known by me and scores of witnesses. I do not have it in my strength or limited knowledge to accomplish these tasks before me. I have learned that well with all five weddings....and everything that came before and in between them. But the Lord's resources are limitless. I can choose to call upon him, surrender my anxiety and my attitude, and find rest in how He will order all these things. He has directed my path and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I can trust Him for my life and for this wedding.
Thankfulness. This one is huge...and hard to remember above the whine. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6,7) It never ceases to amaze me how "counting your blessings," as it were, truly does usher in the power of the Holy Spirit, bringing peace and actually setting a guard against further anxiety. It is easy to leave thankfulness out of my choosing to "not be anxious" and my "prayer" and "petition," but it's kind of like a three-legged stool, wobbly at best. Thankfulness brings a change of mind and of heart. And it brings me to repentance. How could I be such a whiner in the face of all that the Lord has promised, provided, done? He is all of goodness and grace. And I love these two whom He has brought together. I do want to serve them well and help put this wedding together...which in itself celebrates our thankfulness to God. Weddings are a picture of Christ coming for His bride who is dressed in white - made clean by His atonement for sin. How beautiful to celebrate this covenant.
Weddings, wakefulness, and whining are no match for the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It's just the truth. I want to live in that place of rest today. "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." (Ps 91:1) So now I have remembered the "calmer" of pant-leg clutcher number two. I don't need to whine above her, I need to rest under Him...His shelter, His wing. "Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me." (Ps 63:7,8) "I sing in the shadow of Your wings..." I love that visual...and audio. There I am tucked under the Lord's wing singin' away...no matter what is happening around me. I can and must cling to Him, His word, His trustworthiness, His provision.
I'm pretty sure I wrote an "essay" just like this several months ago. Similar issues, same conclusions, different packaging. There will always be new things that God is calling me to...calling you to. They may be real and excruciating trials, or they may be real, but only painful because Self doesn't want to die and let Life live, and reign, and be victorious. Either way, the choice is there each time. Victory the time before doesn't mean automatic victory this time. It is always a choice. I know what my choice must be and I know that even the strength to do that comes from my gracious Father who, by His divine power, has given me everything I need for life and godliness. (2 Pet 1:3) So, I think I will get off this comfy couch, shake out my pant legs, and start doing a few things around here. One hour of sleep is not so bad. And my list will look so festive with some lovely check marks on it. First on the list? Tuck in and start singing.
