Thursday, July 4, 2013

In Dependence Day


On this 4th of July, 2013, I am so grateful for our country’s freedoms and for the thousands of men and women, families and children who have given their lives and their loved ones to secure freedom and peace in our land. This must never be taken for granted. We, as a nation and as individuals, are forever in your debt.


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In a spirit of continued gratitude I must also say: Lord, thank you for always leading me to that which leads me back to you. On this day when we as a nation celebrate our independence, I declare my sole dependence on You. And so I write...


Am I proud to be an American? I confess that my patriotism has always led me more to thankfulness. I am so very thankful to be an American, to have been born in a country of relative peace where there is still great freedom and opportunity. As I reflect I would have to say that my gut response to being an American has been one of deep responsibility. “To whom much is given, much is expected.”

I still remember so clearly...

It was 24 years ago in early June. I was sitting in the living room of our little two bedroom house as the sun stole it’s way here and there between the canopy of lovely maple trees that adorned our tiny lot. By the standards of the “American Dream” I didn’t have much. But half a world away in China’s Tiananmen Square thousands of protesting students were being gunned down and plowed over by tanks, the horror of it in glaring juxtaposition to the peace of my little neighborhood, the quiet of my house, the smallness of my daily worries.

I remember crying out to God on their behalf. Praying for the end of the bloodshed and asking, “Why?” Not the why that is typical…"Why did You let this happen"…but, “Why am I so blessed? Why was I born here and not there…or somewhere else where life is all of suffering?” It went beyond the common guilt of “Why am I so blessed when they’re not?” to “How can I give back because of this great blessing?” 

How then, shall I live?

And I knew that even in America so many do suffer...poverty, abuse, neglect, illness, disability, depression…no hope, no faith, no future. My daily struggles as a middle class woman, wife and, then, young mother…marriage issues, insecurities as I learned to parent, continually coming to terms with wants versus needs in a culture that constantly screamed “You need more! More clothes, more nice things…more than just being a mom at home!”…were made ridiculous in the face of others’ true despair.

I had never had much growing up, but always what I needed. Our houses and neighborhoods were never on anyone’s “tour of beautiful homes,” but I wasn’t born in inner city America either, where strife, crushing poverty and bloodshed are commonplace. The only thing close to the sound of gunfire I’d ever heard were the fireworks my dad set off in the middle of the street…on the Fourth of July. Sounds of celebration and freedom, not desperation and fear.

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These are the thoughts and memories that came flooding through my head this morning as I sat in prayer and confession. And this in response to the book on prayer that I know He led me too.  As I poured out my desperate need for my God and my desire to live a life, and a prayer life, in total dependence on Him, I was struck by the irony that today is Independence Day.

How proud we are of our independence, but independence is not always the ideal. Independence, if it denies all weakness and need, becomes pride...and pride leads to many a grievous sin and all the fallout that comes with it. Pride and that stubborn sense of "I can do it myself!" keep us isolated from one another, hindering friendship, fellowship, and family love. We can be floundering in these very relationships and choose to watch them die rather than ask for help. We labor in vain to hide our needs from one another, our need for one another, and on a deeper more tragic level, we are blinded from our desperate need for God.  

In declaring dependence, I'm not talking about the dependence that keeps us from maturing to adulthood and responsibility, but about the maturity that reminds us that none of us, even in growing up, were created to be islands unto ourselves. We need others and are called to respond to others' needs.

How often are we asked, “How are you? Can I help?” and our response is “I’m good!” 

But are we really? 

Do you do this too? I do, still. Though I am intentionally moving in the direction of a less guarded life, I still find myself hiding my pain, worries and weaknesses. 

And today I was once again made aware of how I have been forsaking my safest relationship through a lack of prayer. Jesus beckons tenderly, “Come all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I know He can be trusted, yet still I fail to come. I forget to come. I try and live independently.

God is my refuge and strength. I believe this with my mind. I speak it with my lips. And today I had to confess with my whole heart that I have not been living in the light of this truth.

When what I believe and how I am living are at odds with each other…well, let me just say that I am grateful for the lack of peace, the restlessness, that leads me to repentance. The kindness and mercies of my Savior cause me to well up and overflow with thankfulness that He doesn’t let go when I’m, even unknowingly, trying to wriggle my hand from His.

God, you are so good.

So today, in my heart and soul and by God's grace alone, I declare not independence, but the reality of my total dependence. And I recognize the freedom that comes from Christ alone. It is Jesus Christ…His death for sin and His resurrection…that has made me free. Free from sin and death. 

No matter where I would have been born, it would still be that freedom and peace with God that would be essential and truly liberating. The sin and evil of this world can scar my life and my body, but nothing can touch my soul. It is free. 

And there is a life, my real life, eternal life, that is always cause for celebration. It is the foundation of my hope in this life. Christ in me, my hope of glory. (Colossians 1:27) 

I have been given much freedom, so I must hold this freedom out to others. That is the best way to give back what I have been given. In Christ, I am richly blessed and in a gratitude that is hard to contain...that should not be contained...I long to see others set free; to share the eternal hope and blessing of knowing Jesus. 

It is His life laid down on a cross that made me free 
and bids me lay down my life for others.

I pray that you too are celebrating true freedom and dependence today. 


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And yes, God, would you bless America? 
But, even more...I pray that we would bless and honor You.



Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Restlessness


Sometimes there's a restlessness that finds no feet. It's not calmed by more doing...yet it whispers of some vague, undone purpose. And how do I lean my ear to the whispering when there are tasks so numerous? A proper accounting of my life would show that I both forget to listen and fail to do. 

Sigh... 

How I often envy the discipline of others, but how I also know that living outside the list gives me breath.


I am rambling... Yes. 


With purpose? I don't know.


Why give glimpse to my state of mind? Is there any purpose to that? 


Does everything need a higher purpose? 


My soul says, "Yes." Since childhood I've yearned for the meaning behind the meaning. There is always a higher purpose. The unseen behind the seen. 


But I honestly haven't truly made peace with this thing called blogging even though the Unseen has been drawing me to it. 


Why be so transparent? Why lay bare the struggle and confusion? Can't I just write when I know there will be a tidy bow on my neatly stacked package of words? 


Yet the writing calls.


And time after time I find something...or nothing...to do instead.


I hear Jesus calling, too...and I do come, but I don't show Him the restlessness. Not entirely. Oh, I know He sees it, but that is not the same as my bringing it to Him.


Perhaps I have not determined to be done with it, like the piles of boxes that need sorting and purging in my basement. Perhaps it's because I don't know where to start and I somehow think I need to know where to start...instead of just starting. 


Ah...perhaps this applies to the writing and the restlessness. 


My feet trapped in a pile of thought... 

Yet another recurring theme since childhood. 

I hear a favorite verse, "Fix your eyes on Jesus." But He also said, "Follow me." 

Can't do that with my feet pinned down. Can't do that if I'm not listening. 


So today I'm going to begin a journey in prayer...by praying and by exploring more about prayer. On a friend's recommendation I've picked up A Praying Life: Connecting With God In A Distracting World by Paul Miller. 


I've heard it said that it is much easier to steer a car when it's moving. So I'm going to move...so I can hear
...and He can steer. 

And...perhaps...I'll share some insights along the way.



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Today, God was nudging. Writing this has been about obedience to Him.  


Obedience is not just something else to do, it is a posture of heart. It is an outflow of claiming His lordship, of "claiming" to love Him. Jesus says in John 14:15, "If you love me, keep my commands." 


The breath and ability to do this come in the next verses...14:16, 17 "And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever - the Spirit of truth." 


He calls me to obey. He gives His Spirit that I can obey. And His Spirit brings truth. 


Just what my restless heart needs.