While contemplating a pile of shoes...

Ever trip over shoes and stuff left strewn about? So frustrating! Falling and hollering and “sharing the love.” That happens in relationships too. Things left unsaid, or unwisely said. Pain inflicted or absorbed. Things left all undone and messy that continue to trip us up, and trip others as well. 

When things are put away as they should be…not stuffed into random corners out of the way, or crammed under the couch…but truly put where they belong, order and peace are restored.

How I love the word restored! Something put back into its former condition. Made new again. Made whole. No more tripping. A work of the Spirit, but a work we must come to with hands and hearts willing to be made willing. The very same power that brought Jesus to life again alive in us, able to do more than we can ever ask or imagine. And grace in abundance to continue to live with one another’s raw places in compassion, in holy response, with love that will cover over a multitude of sins while He completes the work He has begun.

What need there is for confession! Forgiveness! A willingness to consider another as higher than ourselves, to overlook the slight and pray for the other. What inner battles are they fighting? What were they fighting those many years ago when flaming arrow hit the mark? Did they even see the battle? 

We must lay down the pain. "Oh Jesus, how this aches! I am dying inside! Will you take this from me?" Can I rest in my security in Christ and surrender this pain? Be fully comforted? Have hurt put away? My mind set aright? Yes I can. Yes we can. 

His grace is sufficient.

I don’t like tripping, but I used to be defined by it. He has healed. He gives nimble feet that do not stumble so readily. 

“The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.” (Habbakuk 3:19) 

He renews my mind so that I can take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ, to put it where it belongs. He is my strength and I need him every day, every hour. 

Are there things strewn about in the pathways of your heart? Don’t let them define you. Let Him restore every thought, every relationship, every hurt. But it may take time. A long time. 

Will you wait? He will hold you while you wait. Will you press on? He will renew your strength. Will you grieve? Very likely, but He is close to the brokenhearted. He can make sweet wine from the crushing. 

It is so good to throw off everything that hinders and run the race marked out. No tripping. I know that in our homes there may not always be perfect order, but in our hearts there can be perfect peace. 

Ask. Trust. Be held. Be healed.

Gossamer

~Dedicated to my beautiful Jillian, my joy who came after the sorrows.

Gossamer:  n. a soft sheer gauzy fabric…something delicate, light, or flimsy...a fine film of cobwebs often seen floating in the air...adj. sheer, light, delicate, or tenuous.

Gossamer

Phone rings

Chafes the scar 

Yesterday's pain unburied

Precious life

Gossamer

Cradled on wisp, away

Oh these cobwebs 

Memories woven

Joy to sorrow unraveling

Relentless night

The flow of life

Ebbs soft, in shawl of pain

Though day reveals

Heart made raw

Wrapped in tattered garment

Beyond the weave

Soul will see

His wings unfurled, unchanging  

~B. DesChamps

  June 23, 2011

...that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave.”  ~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

While my son was very young and before we were blessed with Jillian, I cried through two miscarriages nearly a year apart. So long ago… And now my lovely daughter knows that same ache, and that far off pain feels like yesterday.

I'm so sorry, Jilly...

Through it all, I will stand by Jillian and share her tears. For if I’m willing to rejoice fully with those who rejoice, I must be willing to mourn deeply with those who mourn, or I live only half a life. Life is joy, wonder, and laughter. Life is sorrow, loss, and tears. I must embrace it all to fully live.  

And I desire that she should learn to live as well; to dance the dance of life…and be healed. Grace can teach us both to dance with loss as gracefully as with joy.  And while we’re learning, Jesus will take our hands, kiss our dampened cheeks, and hold our hearts to His.

Echoes

I hear the echoes of the voices

of children laughing

children playing

See furrowed brows

thoughtful poses 

three grown ups in the making

Remember music 

Sofa listening

endless nights of earnest praying

With sentiment near to sadness

      I miss them some today...

But I love to hear the echoes of the voices

of children laughing

children playing

Waiting On God: Today

It's not the call you expect to get. Mine came a week and a half ago. "We need to see you for a re-check on your mammogram...something has changed from last year." Well, ok. Yes. Let's do that. Odd to realize that since this had never happened before, I had always taken this part of my health for granted. Now it was on my radar. The hardest thing for me was the thought of telling Ty, for he had already had a stressful day. I wasn't worried. I didn't want him to be either. You know how some people are more likely to worry and others aren't? Well, I'm the "I'll give it more thought when there's something real and confirmed to think about" kind of person. I don't like borrowing trouble. My husband has been more prone over the years to want to take things out to their various conclusions and perhaps consider the worst. Many of you understand that because you do it too. So I very calmly told him after dinner and expressed that I had a peace about it and was not worried. He seemed to catch my calm and we talked a bit, prayed, and left it at that.

Other than letting my kids know and asking a few others for prayer, I didn't give it much thought until last night. As this new season of life has begun for Ty and I, I have begun to think of our mortality in real terms. What if one of us were to get sick...you know sick, sick. Like cancer. For those of you who have fought through something like this it is very real. For me it's been only theoretical. Not a matter of, "Oh no! What if I get cancer?" but more a wondering, "What would I do? How would I react? Lord, how would you have me respond?" Needing now to give it some realistic thought, I found last night I was once again flooded with peace. Well, I will just keep on waiting on the Lord just as I always have for every obstacle that's come so far. Really, what else can I do? He might heal my body. He might not. He will definitely walk with me and hold me as close as He always has. And isn't that what I love the most. His presence. Even in the wee hours of the morning as my thoughts raced from topic to topic, I was overwhelmed with His goodness. Having just prayed over a friend's recent health affliction, the Lord had laid on my heart the book of Job...and the song by Matt Redmon, Blessed Be Your Name. Here are some highlights:

Blessed Be Your name in the land that is plentiful, where Your streams of abundance flow...when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness. Blessed Be Your name. 

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord...

And the second verse...Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be...On the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering. Blessed be Your name.

You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name!

Then we sang this very song at church that evening. Another reminder. I love these lyrics and the honest choice we must make in faith to worship our God in all circumstances. There are roads marked with suffering and days of endless sunshine. Life is full of both and both make life full. There are times of plenty - spiritually and physically - and there are desert times where solitude turns to loneliness and our aching hearts seem to suffocate all signs of life. Though I do not love pain, I have learned to embrace it instead of running away. It always has much to teach me. Invaluable lessons. As the sweet technician this morning said, it is in the storms that we draw ever closer to the Lord. Yes, the Lord had granted me a lovely Christian technician with a delightful southern drawl. So soothing. I felt so loved. More peace.

After the initial re-check came an ultrasound. A quick call to Ty. All's well so far. You can come down if you'd like to, but I think I'll be fine. I didn't say, "The Lord is so near," but I'm sure it was communicated in my tone. It is well. Then a tall young woman arrived to take me for this next test, her pregnancy in full bloom, a smile on her face. More signs of life and hope. And in the end, all was well. All is well. Everything is normal. As I told her and the radiologist who came to explain everything to me, "Then it's a good day for all of us." For as I lay waiting for them to return I had begun to wonder what it might be like to have to be the bearers of bad news. How important their jobs were, not just to diagnose accurately, but to display professionalism, hopefully laced with compassion, when conveying news that would surely change the course of someones life forever.

But for today my life goes on as it has, though with a bit more appreciation for its ordinariness. A call made to a relieved and thankful husband. Text messages to the kids and those friends who knew what I was up to this sunny Friday morning in June. And as I arrived home and eagerly opened up to the next chapter in Andrew Murray's devotional book, Waiting On God, I was so blessed at how the Lord had prepared me for this unordinary day. Questions lifted to Him the night before being answered by His sweet presence and a knowing that I could just wait on HIm for whatever came. And here is the opening paragraph of this blessed exhortation to wait on the Lord for "more than we know"...

"There may be times when we feel as if we knew not what we are waiting for. There may be other times we think we do know, and when it would just be so good for us to realize that we do not know what to ask as we ought. God is able to do for us exceeding abundantly above what we ask or think, and we are in danger of limiting Him, when we confine our desires and prayers to our own thoughts of them. It is a great thing at times to say, as our psalm says: "And now, Lord, what wait I for?" I scarce know or can tell; this only I can say - "My hope is in Thee." (from Waiting On God, Andrew Murray, Day 13)

My hope is in Thee. Always and ever. The rest of the chapter speaks to the Lord's great power being only limited by our lack of faith to wait on Him for all that He can do, desires to do, will do if we but ask and believe and rest. I love that all I have to do is come and lay at His feet, or be lifted into His strong arms, and rest. He works all things for my good. I believe this with all my heart, even knowing that this relentless life will surely try and rear up to challenge His goodness in my eyes. But He has burned this truth into my heart as I've tested His many promises. Not in defiance, but in deep need. "Lord, if you don't save me from this, I will not be saved." "Be my strength Father, I am so weary I don't even want to get up, or think, or speak." "Be my hope for nothing of this earth must ever have my heart before You." "Oh God, I am so afraid!" 

I have learned not to expect specific outcomes, but always to expect God. Always! I have learned to look for him in desperation and in anticipation. These are the lessons of walking through pain. He is all and everywhere. He alone has the power to keep His promises. As it was said of Abraham in Romans 4:21,22"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."  In the NIV the verse quoted in Waiting On God is rendered: But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. ~Psalm 39:7. I look for Him. He alone is my hope. Today could have had a different outcome, but I pray that my response would have been the same:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. ~Psalm 62:5

Diary of an insomniac

Burlap curtain panels. A big clock. An assortment of clocks. Time. I love clocks. Where should I put the desk? Appointment. Need to print some photos. Now how did that song go?  It would be cool to frame that poem for my office. Or I could give it to _____________. "I bow to You my God. Jesus, I bow to You. You are the Holy One. Jesus, I bow to You...Your name is Holy. You reign in glory, Mighty King. I lift my hands I praise Your name, I worship You..." Oh yeah..that's it. How can I get a copy of those pictures? Especially that one. What if I found some cream and black valances and added burlap panels to the floor?

Bookshelves. Where should I put the bookshelves? Did I save that little doodle of the kids? Wonder where those bags of old photos and stuff from the frig are? I could still put them in albums. That dresser might look cool. I could use the sheet music. So what if things don't go well? It'll be ok. "Behold the fullness of God. Jesus Christ, the Lamb, became a man. A light upon sinful sod. Redeeming love and sacrifice the plan...Crimson stain upon Your brow. All the pain that you endured for me. Your blood cleanses me now. You suffered death and rose so I could see...I could see." Now how did the instrumental part go? (playing it in my mind's eye...) Time To Go. I really should put that one up...with all the clocks. 

Blinds. I could get some different blinds, but they need to block out the afternoon sun. I can't sleep. Maybe I should just roll over. I can't believe that this is happening again. Oh well. What about a throw blanket? I could make a throw blanket. I have all those squares. Tomorrow. How will I respond? Short curtains? No. Boring. I could just get up... I think the desk should go there. I need to play those songs more often. Will I remember them? "Jesus, You are the Holy One. Spotless and pure, precious Lamb of God...." Gosh. That one was a long time ago. I should get up... What if I did that other one in a lower key? That might be weird. I love those little magnets. Maybe she would make me some. If I get up it's going to be cold. I should frame those. I could use the burlap. I need to be quiet. Where's my slippers? (feeling around in the dark) There they are. I'm kinda hungry. Gosh these thoughts are random. It is cold! Gotta close the door carefully. Don't walk on the squeaky part. Oh, man, the light's bright! Peanut butter. I think I'll write for a while...