Holding Ellena tightly I whispered, “If I hid you in my
purse and brought you home, do you think Mommy and Daddy would notice?”
“What?” Daddy had overheard, so I confessed my scheming. As
we all laughed I told them they needed to have lots more kids so if one
accidentally went missing when we left
for home they might not notice right away.
Sigh…I loathe
goodbyes.
How do I hold my newborn grandson on the morning of our
departure without a huge heart-squeeze of tears?
I’m pretty sure that tear ducts are mysteriously connected
to our hearts by some unseen pathway. Biology may say otherwise, but I reside
in the world of what is seen
and
unseen and tears are often what speak in the overflow of my heart. Wet words
that cannot be spoken for sometimes words are just not deep or high or wide
enough.
So I savored making Little Missy her breakfast this morning,
sitting next to her with mine, and had no trouble maneuvering my spoon with one
hand as precious bundle of boy lay cradled in the other arm.
No trouble but the tears.
Then, snuggled next to my daughter after watching her do the
same with her dad, my heart rested next to hers in a long sigh. So many words
spoken in that time of not speaking…surely the well sprang up, though we hid it just a bit longer.
I have often tried not to cry in front of my kids as we hug,
pray, give thanks, and hug again in those goodbye moments. I’m not sure why. To
make it easier for them…or for me? Regardless, the puddled eyes and sniffs are
inevitable no matter my intentions. It’s that heart-squeeze thing, I suppose.
Today as we held one another in one last circle of prayer, I
sensed the words unsaid; the pouring out of hearts that was surely heard as
clearly by our heavenly Father...perhaps more clearly.
For He was, is, and always will be. Taught this as a child,
I embrace it with whole heart and mind. He knew me before I was ever formed in
my mother’s womb, just as He did little Charlie. He knows all my days,
including this one, and has already provided comfort for it, promising to never
leave me nor forsake me. As precious as my children are to me, so much more am
I to Him.
I can’t hide my heart from my Father like I sometimes hide
behind words not spoken or tears held back. I’m so glad of this. For, truly, I
need a safe place to rest my heart…especially today.
Thank you, Father. I
feel your arms holding me…holding my heart together.
Charlie lay sleeping where I’d gently laid him just moments
before. Caressing his cheek one last time, tears threatening yet again, I
picked up my bags and walked out the door. Another long embrace with my
daughter - “I love you” - and I crossed the street to the car. It’s a small
street, but that walk from curb to curb seemed endless. As we drove off, there
was Daddy, tender-eyed, holding Sweet Pea as she opened and closed her little
“bye bye” hand, with Mommy standing by his side…letting the tears flow.
And, finally, so did I.
* * * * * * *
I am reminded of a much beloved song. Truth that brings comfort and rest:
He Knows My Name
Tommy Walker
I have a Maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
No matter where I roam
He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And He hears me when I call
* * * * * * *
