Heartsick

I am sickened and appalled by news of the mass shootings in Colorado. I am angry, and sick, and so grieved. 

When will we see that this world has not become a better place by force of man's reason, discovery, and innovation. Mankind will not make itself better by creating it's own virtue and thinking good and fine-sounding thoughts. When I was a child, children were not killing their parents, nor parents their own children. Men did not burst into schools and coffee shops and crowded theaters and murder innocents. Acts of evil are on the rise. We are not being enlightened into a greater state of virtue.

Just as the Bible prophesied, "Sin will be rampant everywhere, and the love of many will grow cold." (Matt 24:12)..."But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power." (2 Timothy 3:1-5)

From slanderous, hateful discourse on the airwaves, to the worship of self that tears families and relationships apart, brutality in our communities, unashamed extortions in the white-collar sector, and any number of breaking news stories that continue to slap us daily with their sensationalism until we are almost lulled into a complacency of "well, that's just the way it is," hateful, horrid acts are on the rise. This is our world of mankind despising and refusing to acknowledge it's Creator. "I do not want you, God. Even if you do exist, I want to live my life my way thank you very much." Just as in times of old when another culture had fallen into depravity and "everyone did what was right in his own eyes" (Judges 21:25), it will not go well when there is a sliding scale for right and wrong.

We can debate philosophies and loiter in the ethereal land of grand thoughts and ideas, but it does not change the fact that man is born into sin. One does not have to strain to see that we have "all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Which parent has ever had to teach his child to lie? And how many of you have had to give tantrum lessons? "Repeat after me, son...Mine! Mine!" This inherent self-centeredness is just that, inherent. We are born with it. And even as adults we continue to battle...or give in to...this inner drive to preserve self, seek our own gain, to have control, to be lords of our own lives. It's not working. It never has, it never will. There is a presence of evil that desires to rule men's souls. Believing that he does not exist is just as perilous as denying God's existence.

For there is an authority to which we will all bow one day, either here or on the other side of this life. And there is also One who can free us from our slavery to sin and give us peace with our creator. His name is Jesus. A name that has been reviled and mocked from the time he walked upon this earth until now. Sent by God the Father not to just say and do amazing things, but in obedience to his Father, to take the penalty for the sin of all mankind; to die a horrible death on a cross for not only every sick and heinous thought, word or deed that has been done, but even for our seemingly passive rebellion against God and what He has declared to be right and true. He was crucified, died, and was raised to life again, our sin upon His shoulders, so that we could be free from sin and live a new life by His spirit. By His death and resurrection we can know peace with the Father in heaven who created us, now and for eternity. Jesus..."Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved." (Acts 4:12) Only in His power we can battle against our sin and selfishness and let our lives reflect a goodness that is truly good. 

I may not have ever been tempted to walk into a crowded room and open fire, but I have opened my mouth and spewed out hurtful words that surely have wounded and killed the hearts of others. I am a selfish person. I am a wretched woman. And I am so thankful to know God, to have a Savior who saves me eternally, and saves me everyday...especially from myself. A Savior who forgives me and calls me to seek forgiveness for the messes I've made. How I need Him! So please...I beg you...wake up friend! Wake up world! We are not getting better on our own. Turn to Jesus. Be whole, be healed, be forgiven.

I could go on and on, but I already have... My heart is heavy with grief as I am once again forced to look upon the tragic effects of sin. 

Oh God, have mercy on us. Have mercy on our land. We are sick and so very sad today. Many are grieving and aching...free-falling into despair. Be their hope, their life, their comfort. We need you, Jesus. May we cry out to You today in humility and repentance, "Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise." (Jeremiah 17:14) 

Goodbyes...

Today I am pondering goodbyes. I am beginning to see that much of life is about saying goodbye...and learning to do it well.

Goodbye can mean "I’ll see you soon" or “I’ll see you in heaven,” and everything in between. In the past several years this has become more poignant as I’ve been parted from dear friends that I have loved and ministered with. Some have been called to minister elsewhere nearby, some have been sent on grand adventures of faith hundreds of miles away. Others have lived out their days here on earth and have been called to their eternal home. And most recently, I have had to say goodbye…one by one…to my children and their spouses as they have followed their given paths away from home.

My preparation for these goodbyes began many years ago with “seasons” of friendship. Can you look back on your life and notice that there were people that you were closely connected with - perhaps in school, or while your children were small, on a job, or in ministry - but as time and life’s events took your journeys elsewhere, the proximity of that friendship was gone? I’m not talking about having a falling out, but perhaps more of a calling out. At first I would try to hang on so tightly and force a relationship to stay, but I began to see that some relationships were there to nurture a season of life, to truly just propel me on to the next leg of my journey. There are also some that, despite distance, will be life-long and, truth be told, I don’t think we get to pick which ones are which.

Every one of us has a journey. If I love you I will walk the stretch of the road with you that is mine to walk and when the crossroad comes, I will bid you farewell…praying that you do “fare well” wherever you are called. Your life is not mine to hold tightly, but it may have been mine to encourage for a time. And at the end of the day, I just want to be faithful to that for I am so eternally grateful for those who’ve walked those stretches of road with me. It may have been a matter of years or just a few conversations, but each life that’s touched mine has made an impact. Even those that have caused hurt and pain have been used for God’s greater purpose.

Years before my children ever had the glimmer of a calling, be it marriage or other life adventures, I began praying that I would be able to let go of them gracefully and graciously. (Grace being the operative word.) Especially being a mom-at-home, my life and “career" has been so closely identified with their lives. But my goal as a parent was always to propel them toward adulthood. Even when they were younger, to challenge them to look beyond immediate gratification and not just learn practical skills for adulthood, but begin to have a vision of themselves as, in their case, a man and as women. It was so good to choose to celebrate their milestones, to allow for rites of passage that were meaningful and intentional, but in the back of my mind was the knowledge that one day all of this must culminate in “goodbye.”

And how intensely do we love our children? I have often thought of mine as “burned into my heart"...like a brand. My heart is forever changed by having given birth and by having done life with them. The joys of victory and the agonies of defeat…and all the ordinary days in between. I love them in ways that words fail to fully capture and that is fitting, because they were never meant to be captured. True love is huge and holds it’s hands outstretched, it is never tight-fisted. My kids were created by God for their own journeys and if I love them, I will shout, “fly…fly!” even if the next minute I must bury my head in my hands and cry. I must bear the sorrow of goodbye so I can watch them stand, and struggle, and grow, and embrace all that life has for them.

And, so too with my friends. Sometimes I have seen God take a friend out of my life so that I will learn to stand without them, and stand more fully in Him. Or so that I will have eyes to see a new relationship that He’s ordained for me. Even as an extravert I can get pretty content with my little circle of close friends and fail to see someone new who is just waiting for a fresh companion. And most often, He is calling my loved ones to a new adventure and I can either focus on my sadness at having to say goodbye, or love them well through the sadness by continuing to encourage…standing at the curb-side waving with all my might and wishing them a safe and amazing journey.

As I grow older, I have begun to see the beauty and purpose behind the ebb and flow of life...and lives. It’s sole purpose is life, and life to the full. A seed must fall to the ground and die in order to bear much fruit. This is the order of life. And so often this means that my ordering of life must die, and I must learn to say goodbye in a way that joyfully says “fly!” When someone leaves there is always a hole left behind, but isn’t that where new plants are nestled? In fresh holes? The trick is not missing new blooms because we’re still staring down the road at a set of taillights. Do we acknowledge our sorrow? Of course. But we can bear it a little better each time as we come to see that life is not about hanging on to things or people.

So today as I began the day skyping with my daughter and her kids in Arkansas, then did the same with a beloved friend in California, and also learned of a dear couple who have been called on to their next adventure, I have stopped to ponder all this, to let the sadness wash over me with each goodbye, and at the thought of that "farewell" to come...and I know it's all going to be ok. Goodbye is ok, even when we love much and it hurts.

We can love deeply and learn to say goodbye, because sometimes they are the same thing.