Waiting On God: Today

It's not the call you expect to get. Mine came a week and a half ago. "We need to see you for a re-check on your mammogram...something has changed from last year." Well, ok. Yes. Let's do that. Odd to realize that since this had never happened before, I had always taken this part of my health for granted. Now it was on my radar. The hardest thing for me was the thought of telling Ty, for he had already had a stressful day. I wasn't worried. I didn't want him to be either. You know how some people are more likely to worry and others aren't? Well, I'm the "I'll give it more thought when there's something real and confirmed to think about" kind of person. I don't like borrowing trouble. My husband has been more prone over the years to want to take things out to their various conclusions and perhaps consider the worst. Many of you understand that because you do it too. So I very calmly told him after dinner and expressed that I had a peace about it and was not worried. He seemed to catch my calm and we talked a bit, prayed, and left it at that.

Other than letting my kids know and asking a few others for prayer, I didn't give it much thought until last night. As this new season of life has begun for Ty and I, I have begun to think of our mortality in real terms. What if one of us were to get sick...you know sick, sick. Like cancer. For those of you who have fought through something like this it is very real. For me it's been only theoretical. Not a matter of, "Oh no! What if I get cancer?" but more a wondering, "What would I do? How would I react? Lord, how would you have me respond?" Needing now to give it some realistic thought, I found last night I was once again flooded with peace. Well, I will just keep on waiting on the Lord just as I always have for every obstacle that's come so far. Really, what else can I do? He might heal my body. He might not. He will definitely walk with me and hold me as close as He always has. And isn't that what I love the most. His presence. Even in the wee hours of the morning as my thoughts raced from topic to topic, I was overwhelmed with His goodness. Having just prayed over a friend's recent health affliction, the Lord had laid on my heart the book of Job...and the song by Matt Redmon, Blessed Be Your Name. Here are some highlights:

Blessed Be Your name in the land that is plentiful, where Your streams of abundance flow...when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness. Blessed Be Your name. 

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord...

And the second verse...Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be...On the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering. Blessed be Your name.

You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name!

Then we sang this very song at church that evening. Another reminder. I love these lyrics and the honest choice we must make in faith to worship our God in all circumstances. There are roads marked with suffering and days of endless sunshine. Life is full of both and both make life full. There are times of plenty - spiritually and physically - and there are desert times where solitude turns to loneliness and our aching hearts seem to suffocate all signs of life. Though I do not love pain, I have learned to embrace it instead of running away. It always has much to teach me. Invaluable lessons. As the sweet technician this morning said, it is in the storms that we draw ever closer to the Lord. Yes, the Lord had granted me a lovely Christian technician with a delightful southern drawl. So soothing. I felt so loved. More peace.

After the initial re-check came an ultrasound. A quick call to Ty. All's well so far. You can come down if you'd like to, but I think I'll be fine. I didn't say, "The Lord is so near," but I'm sure it was communicated in my tone. It is well. Then a tall young woman arrived to take me for this next test, her pregnancy in full bloom, a smile on her face. More signs of life and hope. And in the end, all was well. All is well. Everything is normal. As I told her and the radiologist who came to explain everything to me, "Then it's a good day for all of us." For as I lay waiting for them to return I had begun to wonder what it might be like to have to be the bearers of bad news. How important their jobs were, not just to diagnose accurately, but to display professionalism, hopefully laced with compassion, when conveying news that would surely change the course of someones life forever.

But for today my life goes on as it has, though with a bit more appreciation for its ordinariness. A call made to a relieved and thankful husband. Text messages to the kids and those friends who knew what I was up to this sunny Friday morning in June. And as I arrived home and eagerly opened up to the next chapter in Andrew Murray's devotional book, Waiting On God, I was so blessed at how the Lord had prepared me for this unordinary day. Questions lifted to Him the night before being answered by His sweet presence and a knowing that I could just wait on HIm for whatever came. And here is the opening paragraph of this blessed exhortation to wait on the Lord for "more than we know"...

"There may be times when we feel as if we knew not what we are waiting for. There may be other times we think we do know, and when it would just be so good for us to realize that we do not know what to ask as we ought. God is able to do for us exceeding abundantly above what we ask or think, and we are in danger of limiting Him, when we confine our desires and prayers to our own thoughts of them. It is a great thing at times to say, as our psalm says: "And now, Lord, what wait I for?" I scarce know or can tell; this only I can say - "My hope is in Thee." (from Waiting On God, Andrew Murray, Day 13)

My hope is in Thee. Always and ever. The rest of the chapter speaks to the Lord's great power being only limited by our lack of faith to wait on Him for all that He can do, desires to do, will do if we but ask and believe and rest. I love that all I have to do is come and lay at His feet, or be lifted into His strong arms, and rest. He works all things for my good. I believe this with all my heart, even knowing that this relentless life will surely try and rear up to challenge His goodness in my eyes. But He has burned this truth into my heart as I've tested His many promises. Not in defiance, but in deep need. "Lord, if you don't save me from this, I will not be saved." "Be my strength Father, I am so weary I don't even want to get up, or think, or speak." "Be my hope for nothing of this earth must ever have my heart before You." "Oh God, I am so afraid!" 

I have learned not to expect specific outcomes, but always to expect God. Always! I have learned to look for him in desperation and in anticipation. These are the lessons of walking through pain. He is all and everywhere. He alone has the power to keep His promises. As it was said of Abraham in Romans 4:21,22"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."  In the NIV the verse quoted in Waiting On God is rendered: But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. ~Psalm 39:7. I look for Him. He alone is my hope. Today could have had a different outcome, but I pray that my response would have been the same:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. ~Psalm 62:5