Danny & Monica: A Mother's Story

By the tone of the conversation, and the sound of a pen being thrown across the room, I could tell something was not going well. It became very clear, even from where I sat downstairs watching some program that I've long forgotten, that Danny was breaking up with Monica. He had left for a yearlong Gospel for Asia internship just months before amidst tears, and hugs, and vows of love. So my first thought was, "How could this be?" Not that, as parents, we weren't glad for that year of "space" from one another. She was now almost 17 and he, 19. But I never saw this coming. “Lord, what are You doing?" As I sat there praying over both of them, and already beginning to ache for Monica, I heard so plainly, "Trust Me." And as my thoughts continued to whirl and the one side of the conversation that I could hear escalated, I heard again, "Trust Me." This was my sweet daughter who never gave her heart quickly...and who had never given her heart to any young man before. I knew this was going to be devastating. And so began a very painful year...

I remember the night at youth group that I first saw them together. Monica, then 15, was having a hard time after the study was done and had gone outside and walked to the end of the building. As all the kids were milling around, I went out to check on her and saw Danny walking over. I don't know why, but my first thought was, "Oh, good. Danny is awesome. She'll be ok talking to Danny." You see, for a very brief time Danny and our other daughter, Jillian, had hung out, and though I liked him quite well I could never "see" them together. But for some reason, just seeing him with Monica looked right. Their conversation that night led to many others. Both of them being talkers and deep thinkers, their friendship bloomed into much more. (That is the short version.) By the time Danny left for GFA the next summer, they were quite smitten and very committed to continue their relationship while he was away.

And so, we come to that fateful night in November….In time it became silent upstairs and I made my way up. As Monica, still in disbelief and shock, haltingly poured out chunks of their conversation, I listened and prayed silently. I knew only two things: the Lord's words, "Trust Me" and that somehow I needed to help Monica navigate this hurt so that bitterness would not ruin her heart. We talked over many things, and I remember challenging her. "If you really love him, what does it look like to love him now? When there’s nothing in it for you? Do you only love him if you can have him, or do you want the best for him no matter what that looks like?" I shared with her what the Lord had told me – to trust Him. She shared that He had told her, "Submit." And so we talked and prayed about these things, in one form or other, for over year. And she prayed that her feelings for Danny would die if he were not the "one" the Lord had for her.

There were a few conversations between them here and there that year, but nothing that gave any hope, even when she saw him at his sister’s graduation in June. Then the longed for, and dreaded, time arrived. July 2009. He was coming home from Texas. It had been so much easier for her to deal with it all, or to sweep it under the rug, when he wasn't here. But the first time she saw him she grudgingly said, "Oh mom. I still love him." Yikes! Ok, here we go...

What's crazy throughout all this is that there were so many people secretly rooting for them. We all wanted what the Lord wanted, but "they" just made sense to so many of us. A lot of prayers went up on their behalf. Yet it was a perplexing time for me. It was not my place to encourage her to hang on to hope, even though I still thought they would be together one day. So what do I say? How do I counsel her without manipulating anything? I knew that first and foremost she needed to grow in her relationship with God. No matter what happened this was essential. I needed the Lord's wisdom so much and to hang on to what He had said – trust Me. I prayed a lot and knew I just had to wait and encourage her to continue to surrender everything - always easier said than done.

Crazy thing number two: Years before they ever dated, the Lord had called me to begin praying for Danny. It was Winter Camp 2004. I knew him only as the new kid…Danny…Zander’s friend.  But one evening after a chapel time I saw him stay behind to pray and sensed the Lord was calling him. So I began praying. As it turns out, that is the weekend he asked the Lord into his life. Then, perhaps a year later, I saw him serving as an usher. It really warmed my heart that he seemed to be growing and serving. The Lord told me very clearly, "I have a call on his life. Pray for him." And so I began praying for Danny Porter. Well, the Lord didn't free me from this call - even after Danny broke my daughter's heart. And He told me I was to show Danny grace. Grace… So I continued to pray for him and send him scriptures or words of encouragement as the Lord laid him on my heart, all the while having to periodically wrestle down my own anger and disappointment (i.e. wanting to tell him off big time, or maybe even let older "sister" Jessica beat him up like she wanted to). But I knew what the Lord commanded, and bitterness could have no place. So despite it all, I willingly obeyed. The reality was that, by then, I loved Danny like a son. I did want the Lord's best for him. And if that didn't include Monica, I had no right to hang on to that either.

Now back to Danny's return: After some stilted conversations here and there, the two of them fell back into an easy friendship sometime in the fall. No more awkwardness. By Christmas-time, he was hanging out with our family off and on. We always loved having him around and it was fun to enjoy great conversations, laughter and times of prayer together. I was beginning to hope. Monica was daring to wonder. Nothing was said. It was just great that they were friends again.

Fast forward to late winter when honesty arose: To their mutual surprise, yes, they did still care for one another. But there would be no move beyond friendship till Monica graduated. And so, for many months, they waited. Her graduation day was June 5th. A week and a day later, at the church on that patch of sidewalk at the end of the building where they had first talked three years before, Danny asked Monica to be his girlfriend. This was courting, not dating. They both felt that the Lord had brought them together again not just to try things out, but with the intention of marriage sometime in the future. And, frankly, from my point of view, there could be no playing with her heart. It had to be real, or it had to be nothing.

So now what started as a friendship over three years ago has turned to a much greater commitment. The months of courting have ended. Having received Ty’s blessing, Danny asked Monica to marry him on November 13th, at Finch Arboretum, on her birthday and their five-month anniversary. After a brief moment of disbelief, she said yes. He had totally surprised her, which is no small feat. (Again, this is the short version.)

It’s funny that though I did know the proposal was coming, there is something that goes on in the head and heart of a mom when you first hear, “We’re engaged!” It was definitely a deep emotional response, one that I didn’t get much time to process. Since Danny had to return to work for the afternoon, Monica, her cousin Amanda, and I ended up taking a fun birthday shopping trip soon after I was told the joyful news. Well, I kept forgetting which way to go, definitely took some wrong turns, and drove us by way of the proverbial scenic route. Thank goodness they were patient and just kept laughing at me. I probably should not have been driving that day. There was so much on my mind. I found myself looking back on all of the twists and turns of the past few years. Years that also included both Monica’s brother and sister, Trent and Jillian, getting married, a surprise “we’re pregnant” announcement from Jake and Jill just before Christmas last year, Monica’s graduation from high school and the community college, Jillian living with us last summer – pregnant and on bed rest, the birth of our beautiful grand daughter, and helping their little family finally get settled in far off Florida. It has been quite an emotional and spiritual journey for this mom.

It has also been quite a journey for Danny and Monica, one that did require trust and submission. Honestly, I am glad that their path included struggle. It has matured them. I believe that, though very painful, it was His will for them to be apart for a time. And remember the Lord's instruction to me on behalf of Danny after the break up? He had said to show him grace. How awesome it was for me to discover that one of the most significant things Danny learned during his year away was grace. That he lacked it for others, that he needed it, that the Lord was all of grace. They have both learned so much in these past two years since their breakup – about themselves and the Lord.  In their hearts, they are not just kids in love. Life and struggle have brought a different perspective…and new challenges. But that is the way of this life. It is the Lord’s way. In the end He works it all for good for those who love Him.

And the spirit of my question on the night of their break up still stands. “What does it look like to love him now? What will it look like to love her then?” Those we commit to love will bring us great joy, but they will also bring sorrow, disappointment, and heartache. It is the risk of loving. Will we look to God and remain committed to the best for the other person or will it always be about us and our immediate happiness? Will we give ourselves permission to harbor anger and bitterness? There is no place for that in any relationship. True love has to go beyond pleasing ourselves. True love is sacrifice, and we never know how that will look in our marriages. What will this kind of love require? How many times will we need to forgive? How long, Lord, will it take to heal my heart, or his issue? So it is good to begin learning early the lessons of selfless love. Even if there had been no happy ending here, both Danny and Monica would have been called to forgive, to love one another as brother and sister, and to continue to trust the Lord.

But today we do get to celebrate this joyful, new engagement. With all that has happened in our family, and with Danny and Monica, I do like this happy ending - which is really just a new beginning. And with this new beginning, I will continue to do what mothers do. I will pray for the riches of God’s grace to fill their lives with all that is needful, now and always. And I will be thankful for the addition of a new son. You see, I always wanted six kids. Now six it shall be, and I only had to raise three. I have teased my kids throughout the years about arranging their marriages. As it turned out, I never needed to. God chose well for all of them. He can be trusted.