Children: Punishment or Discipline?

Punishment. I've been thinking about this word lately. While raising my children I always cringed when I heard it used. Years later I figured out why. Grace. Grace is why to my saved-by-grace-ears "punishment" did not ring true. Biblically, wrath leads to punishment. And by the same Word, I know that I have been saved from wrath. Jesus took my punishment. But at the same time the Word does speak of discipline. Hebrews 12:5-11:

5“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,

   and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

   and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

The heart of these two words is so different. Punishment comes from wrath, discipline from love. How many times did I "punish" my kids for their bad behavior out of my anger, or fear, or a desire to control them? More times than I care to remember. And, even in the moment, it seemed wrong. It was sin for sin. This is not discipline, and it certainly showed no discipline - or self control - on my part. Disciplining has to do with intentionally desiring an outcome. In the case of our children we should truly and prayerfully ask God for a vision of that outcome so that we can direct their discipline with purpose.

Everything that we model to our children should reflect the heart of God toward them, even disciplining them. Punishment breeds rule keeping and a sense of legalism that only puts a huge stumbling block in the way of our relationship with our children and their future relationship with their heavenly Father. None of us can keep the rules. If we could have Jesus would never had needed to give up His glory in heaven to become a man and die a terrible death for us. God offers us eternal relief from the burden of rule keeping and even the way we discipline our children can begin to show them His heart.

None of this means that we are soft or permissive, but it does mean that we have tender hearts for our children that, even in the face of their misbehavior, seeks to set them on the right path. God knows each of us intimately and gives us the discipline that is best. He does judge, but is a righteous judge. We can seek to know our children...not just their behavior, but their hearts, their bent...and ask for wisdom to teach and train them effectively, to make right judgements on their behalf. So often I just wanted my kids to "behave" so that my life would be easier. This was such a lazy and selfish attitude. Parenting is hard work, and in many ways was God's way of disciplining me. As I learned to see it that way and to fall on my face before Him for wisdom, strength, and a right heart, it began to have that harvest of righteousness and peace in my life. I only wish that I had seen it sooner.

Our lives are a process and so are our children's. We need the work of the Holy Spirit in that process. I'm not sure why the Lord laid all this on my heart today, but He did. How this looks in my life and in yours will be so different and I know that this is not an exhaustive study on the subject, but it bears consideration. Do you punish or discipline? Perhaps at the heart of it all is this question: Do you see God as a punishing God or one who disciplines you...the child he loves? For those who believe on and have received His atoning sacrifice, there is grace. Not a grace that gives us license to sin more, but one that calls us to deep thankfulness and a desire for a holy life, in Him, by Him, for Him. This is the heart for God that I want my children to have.