Messy Days

Here I sit, glued to this old worn kitchen chair exchanging text messages with my sick, exhausted, pregnant daughter who is 2000 miles away. This seems such an unnatural place, sitting with cell phone and laptop in my ridiculous fleecy blue bathrobe with nothing to do but pray and send words of encouragement. 

Why am I here and not there? There is where I want to be. Hugging my daughter. Chasing her daughter so she doesn’t have to. Helping them settle into their new temporary home. My heart and my hands are so restless today.

And the irony does not escape me. Today I long to be a doer. This one who loves to just “be” is aching to do, to actively and physically be “mom.” Will this transition ever be easy? Kissing boo boos seems almost holy, sacramental, today. Taking that precious little one in my arms, washing her wound, applying a balm of Neosporin and a sticky Band Aid, all the while the emotional and spiritual flow of love doing the real healing, the heart-comforting. 

Oh God, I miss the beauty of that simple act... 

I’m so far away.

My new job is to ache, and to wait, and to pray. This seems harder work than what came before, though I’m sure it only seems so. My mind can recall that vague impression of young motherhood when everything was truly a new thing that brought new fears. “Oh God! What do I do now?” And I know there were days when I longed to be far away from the daily grind of caring for my children’s needs 24/7. Rarely a day off. Always on call. I could never have known then just how awkward and heart wrenching it would feel when that became the norm, not just a vacation.

I suppose I share all this for many reasons. It’s as real and on my heart as anything inspirational or humorous may be on any other given day. And these difficult days are part of the journey. 

Do we share only the happy and the uplifting? In reality, I hope this will be uplifting. Perhaps this is your journey too. If it is, this is my written hug to say, yes, other women have days like this. You’re not alone. Some are experiencing this transition with less angst, or at least they seem to be. Does that mean they’re doing it better? No. They’re just doing it differently. Some may be running from the flood of emotion. I don’t run anymore. I have found that I can rest in the Lord’s promise, 

“ When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. 

When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.” 

Isaiah 43:2 NLT 

I actually used to be terrified of the water, and of these days of uncertainty and change, but I have found the Lord to be faithful. 

He calms my fears.

Though the floodwaters are high today, I know I will not drown. I will ache, and wait, and pray. It may not look pretty and I may not do it well, but I won’t fight it. 

“Wait for the LORD; 

Be strong and let your heart take courage; 

Yes, wait for the LORD.” 

Psalm 27:14 NASB 

I love this rendering.
 “Let your heart take courage.” 

I have a choice today in the waiting. 

I can let my heart take courage. 

On a messy day like today the Lord is saying, “I have courage for you, precious one. Be encouraged.” And I am. My tears are gone and peace is returning. The balm of His love is healing. 

Whatever your mess today, I pray you will be encouraged too.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, 

so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” 

Romans 15:13 NIV