"Obedience gives me courage," she says. Somehow this seems ripe for a sequel...or, perhaps, a prequel...which is just my fancy way of saying, "I think I'm supposed to come clean about all the fear and courage stuff."
You want to know what has always scared me the most?
Singing in front of people.
Guess what the Lord asked me to do just a little over a decade ago?
Sing in front of people.
"Ahh! Are you serious, Lord? Really? ...Anything but that!"
"Yes, I am serious." Insert long conversation with God that ends in Him asking... "How will you ever look your children in the eyes and tell them they can trust me if you will not trust me?"
Well, that rendered me speechless. Yes, speechless. Nothing is impossible with God.
"Wait..." you say. "Haven't you been singing on worship teams for years?"
Yes, I have.
I wrote the original obedience post on the eve of preparing to lead worship...as in, I was to play the piano and be the lead vocalist...for a large women's event and I found myself nose to nose with fear once again. As I prayed throughout that day, the Lord reminded me of who He is...mighty, loving, holy, faithful, always near....worthy of my trust.
If you've ever been held back by fear, you may find encouragement in this testimony of God's faithfulness.
Here's the whole story...
Well, that rendered me speechless. Yes, speechless. Nothing is impossible with God.
"Wait..." you say. "Haven't you been singing on worship teams for years?"
Yes, I have.
I wrote the original obedience post on the eve of preparing to lead worship...as in, I was to play the piano and be the lead vocalist...for a large women's event and I found myself nose to nose with fear once again. As I prayed throughout that day, the Lord reminded me of who He is...mighty, loving, holy, faithful, always near....worthy of my trust.
If you've ever been held back by fear, you may find encouragement in this testimony of God's faithfulness.
Here's the whole story...
* * * * * * *
My biggest fear since...well even before...high school was singing and playing the piano in front of others. I'm pretty sure the desperate pounding of my heart and the feeling of all the air being sucked out of my lungs drowned out any actual thought as to why I was afraid. The terror just took hold. Much of it had to do with perfectionism, I am sure. Fear of failure. "What if I mess up?" Assessing risks. "If there's any chance I might not be perfect I will not even try. I don't want to be humiliated."
It was sometime during my junior year that I literally skipped my afternoon piano recital because I was too terrified to play in front of...who?...a bunch of other music students and perhaps a smattering of parents. The pieces had to be memorized. Again...what if I messed up? Somehow there was nothing more shameful. So I went across the street to the music building at my high school, walked into the choir room, sat down calmly and played my recital pieces to no one. I played with heart and a true love for every note, every chord...for the sheer complexity of what two hands and weeks of practice could achieve. It was wonderful...and free...and fearless.
But this was the choir room. My safe place....where I could just be one of the altos....and occasionally lead with the piano as we did our vocal warm ups. I was never asked to do a solo...and would have died right there in my chair if anyone would have even suggested I try one. But singing...yes, I loved singing! Loved the sound of sweet harmonies ebbing and flowing. One of the group. Blending in. Never really...heard.
So after high school I gave up music. Pursuing it in college would have meant...gasp!...auditioning. Easiest decision ever. "Uhhh...NO!"
So after high school I gave up music. Pursuing it in college would have meant...gasp!...auditioning. Easiest decision ever. "Uhhh...NO!"
* * * * * * *
Fast forward almost 20 years...
Married with three children. I began to long for a piano. The old family upright wasn't even in the family anymore, so I began to pray for a piano, was going to put an ad in the paper for one. "Wanted: That lonely piano in your living room that is only being used to hold family photos and knick knacks." You know what I mean....lovely piano as a display piece that no one plays. Such a travesty!
Within months...maybe it was just weeks, I can't really remember...but this I do remember: A man at my church walked out one Sunday after service and said to all of us standing there, "Would anyone like a piano? We have two and need to get rid of one of them." Free? "Yes, free."
It makes me smile to think of how little, then, I really knew this miracle-working God who had just answered my prayer.
Days later the piano was delivered and I wasted no time in digging out old sheet music, honing old favorites, and working on my sight reading by playing through a Maranatha Praise book. For many months, every night after the kids were tucked in and every day while they were at school, I would worship at the piano for hours. Such a joy to sing to the Lord...to play for the Lord...in the privacy of my own living room.
But the safety of my own private heaven was not to last. Through a series of what I like to call "stepping stone" events, I was asked to consider joining another woman...soon to be dear friend...in leading worship for our church's women's Bible study. My first response to this request of, "Would you like to play the piano and sing with me?" was "Uh..no!" Translation: "Are you crazy?!" But then the above mentioned conversation with God occurred and I knew I had to say yes even though the mere thought left me shaking in my shoes and, literally, sitting at the piano praying that the Lord would be teach me.
So began the journey of the reluctant worship leader. Practicing endlessly... piano parts, harmonies, even practicing something to sing for sound checks. "Sound checks?" Yes. Sound check time scared me to death! This is when I would have to sing in the mic all by myself so the speaker levels could be set. ALL BY MYSELF! WITH EVERYONE LISTENING! Commence rapid heart rate and tummy elevator careening to the basement...air in lungs...gone!
It's always been the singing that scared me the most. I do not, nor have I ever had any desire to sing by myself in front of anyone. Ever.
But when it comes to Jesus the songs just well up. Worship is a part of me. Singing to Him is as natural as breathing. In this context it is not performance, it is praising my King.
In this the Lord said "Go!" and I knew I must obey. Thus began a long season of scouring the word for His promises of "be not afraid, I go before you always."
I've been clinging to these promises for over a decade of being on and off various worship teams. Through it all He has proven Himself faithful; faithful to be with me while I forged ahead through stomach aches (and other anxiety induced bodily functions), through jitters beforehand, or even crazy fear welling up suddenly in the middle of an otherwise relaxed worship set, and now, thirteen years later, while leading worship all by myself...albeit, in a small, intimate setting. It's been baby steps of obedience. Lots and lots and lots of baby steps and incredible stretching...miles beyond any self-defined comfort zone.
Bottom line? I love God. I love to worship Him. I desire to obey Him. And...He's given me new eyes. He's taught me to look out on a Sunday, or a Thursday night, or with the Tuesday morning ladies and see my family...my brothers and sisters in Christ...who need to see Him, to be in His presence, to surrender, repent, be healed. He's given me a deep love for my church family that far outweighs my fear...that's more important than my fear.
It's not a new message: Consider others' needs above your own (Phil 2:3,4), but we don't usually associate it with overcoming fear.
Why I even get to serve in worship ministry is still beyond me, but I have learned to rest in His character, His call, and in the promise that He will equip me.
So do I rehearse? Yes. Still somewhat endlessly...till my tired voice and achy hands remind me that I'll have no voice or strength the next day if I don't stop. I never want to be careless in serving the Lord. He is worthy of my best; of diligent preparation...pray, practice, repeat.
Am I ever still afraid? Yes. But at the end of the day, or more appropriately, as I walk toward the keyboard, I know that the results are all up to Him. And I don't entirely mean how I do with the singing or the playing...
Here are the important questions: Did the Spirit move in the hearts of those who were lifting their voices to the Lord...including my own? Did He find a soft spot in a hardened heart? Did a wall crumble? Was love poured out lavishly to one who was longing? Did the Lord bring comfort...or healing? Were eyes opened to see Him as bigger and more powerful than they'd ever imagined? Were eyes opened for the very first time to His goodness and grace?
These are the results that matter. Was God glorified? This is why I've chosen to push through the fear for all these years. The Lord desires that His children enter into the promised land of His presence, into fullness of life in Him, and it's an incredibly humbling to even get to be a part of that. I don't need to be perfect as long as others see Him who is perfect. Worshiping in song is a powerful thing.
As I've seen Him work in and through me in this battle against fear, my courage has grown. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me, and He has been true to His word.
The craziest discovery has been that these lessons of obedience in the face of fear have had only a little to do with leading worship.
In hindsight, the Lord has shown me that they've had everything to do with continually taking me to the edge so that my faith could learn to leap, then to soar.
Why? Because He knew that there were challenging events ahead that would require great faith, that would tempt me to run in fear, or to just hunker down in selfishness.
And for the sake of very important relationships in my life I would need to learn obedience, overcome fear, let faith be stretched. I would really need to know my big God...not just know about Him, but know Him; to invest in my relationship with Him. This happened by having to take Him at His word in those leaps of faith over and over again.
Worship ministry was my training ground for bigger battles.
Battles have a way of leaving their marks upon us, don't they? Here are a few that are burned into my heart: When I obey...in the power and strength of His life in me...He is my courage. And in deep thankfulness for all that He is and all that He's done, I am willing to be courageous.
But the safety of my own private heaven was not to last. Through a series of what I like to call "stepping stone" events, I was asked to consider joining another woman...soon to be dear friend...in leading worship for our church's women's Bible study. My first response to this request of, "Would you like to play the piano and sing with me?" was "Uh..no!" Translation: "Are you crazy?!" But then the above mentioned conversation with God occurred and I knew I had to say yes even though the mere thought left me shaking in my shoes and, literally, sitting at the piano praying that the Lord would be teach me.
So began the journey of the reluctant worship leader. Practicing endlessly... piano parts, harmonies, even practicing something to sing for sound checks. "Sound checks?" Yes. Sound check time scared me to death! This is when I would have to sing in the mic all by myself so the speaker levels could be set. ALL BY MYSELF! WITH EVERYONE LISTENING! Commence rapid heart rate and tummy elevator careening to the basement...air in lungs...gone!
It's always been the singing that scared me the most. I do not, nor have I ever had any desire to sing by myself in front of anyone. Ever.
But when it comes to Jesus the songs just well up. Worship is a part of me. Singing to Him is as natural as breathing. In this context it is not performance, it is praising my King.
In this the Lord said "Go!" and I knew I must obey. Thus began a long season of scouring the word for His promises of "be not afraid, I go before you always."
* * * * * * *
I've been clinging to these promises for over a decade of being on and off various worship teams. Through it all He has proven Himself faithful; faithful to be with me while I forged ahead through stomach aches (and other anxiety induced bodily functions), through jitters beforehand, or even crazy fear welling up suddenly in the middle of an otherwise relaxed worship set, and now, thirteen years later, while leading worship all by myself...albeit, in a small, intimate setting. It's been baby steps of obedience. Lots and lots and lots of baby steps and incredible stretching...miles beyond any self-defined comfort zone.
Bottom line? I love God. I love to worship Him. I desire to obey Him. And...He's given me new eyes. He's taught me to look out on a Sunday, or a Thursday night, or with the Tuesday morning ladies and see my family...my brothers and sisters in Christ...who need to see Him, to be in His presence, to surrender, repent, be healed. He's given me a deep love for my church family that far outweighs my fear...that's more important than my fear.
It's not a new message: Consider others' needs above your own (Phil 2:3,4), but we don't usually associate it with overcoming fear.
Why I even get to serve in worship ministry is still beyond me, but I have learned to rest in His character, His call, and in the promise that He will equip me.
So do I rehearse? Yes. Still somewhat endlessly...till my tired voice and achy hands remind me that I'll have no voice or strength the next day if I don't stop. I never want to be careless in serving the Lord. He is worthy of my best; of diligent preparation...pray, practice, repeat.
Am I ever still afraid? Yes. But at the end of the day, or more appropriately, as I walk toward the keyboard, I know that the results are all up to Him. And I don't entirely mean how I do with the singing or the playing...
Here are the important questions: Did the Spirit move in the hearts of those who were lifting their voices to the Lord...including my own? Did He find a soft spot in a hardened heart? Did a wall crumble? Was love poured out lavishly to one who was longing? Did the Lord bring comfort...or healing? Were eyes opened to see Him as bigger and more powerful than they'd ever imagined? Were eyes opened for the very first time to His goodness and grace?
These are the results that matter. Was God glorified? This is why I've chosen to push through the fear for all these years. The Lord desires that His children enter into the promised land of His presence, into fullness of life in Him, and it's an incredibly humbling to even get to be a part of that. I don't need to be perfect as long as others see Him who is perfect. Worshiping in song is a powerful thing.
As I've seen Him work in and through me in this battle against fear, my courage has grown. He promised to never leave me nor forsake me, and He has been true to His word.
The craziest discovery has been that these lessons of obedience in the face of fear have had only a little to do with leading worship.
In hindsight, the Lord has shown me that they've had everything to do with continually taking me to the edge so that my faith could learn to leap, then to soar.
Why? Because He knew that there were challenging events ahead that would require great faith, that would tempt me to run in fear, or to just hunker down in selfishness.
And for the sake of very important relationships in my life I would need to learn obedience, overcome fear, let faith be stretched. I would really need to know my big God...not just know about Him, but know Him; to invest in my relationship with Him. This happened by having to take Him at His word in those leaps of faith over and over again.
Worship ministry was my training ground for bigger battles.
Battles have a way of leaving their marks upon us, don't they? Here are a few that are burned into my heart: When I obey...in the power and strength of His life in me...He is my courage. And in deep thankfulness for all that He is and all that He's done, I am willing to be courageous.
Willing because He's with me.
Willing because He's worthy.
* * * * * * *
On the night of the women's event as the time for worship drew near, I found myself overwhelmed by a flood of fear, worse than I'd known in many years. Heart pounding, trouble breathing, scattered thoughts... I looked at my dear friends around the table, shared my fear and asked them to pray with me. We joined hands, bowed our heads, and then something wonderful happened. Even as I began to speak, praising the Lord and asking Him to do battle, an amazing calm began pouring over me, into me, through me...literally washing away the fear. Heart and breath returned to normal and I walked up to the keyboard filled with peace.
What are you afraid of?
How has the Lord shown up as you've faced your fears?
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