Midnight Musings: Ten days to go

Somehow amidst the chaos, and to do lists, and boxes of wedding whatnots piled high, I am at peace. It is both strange and wonderful. I remember not long ago when assembling wedding invitations stretched from a one week project into three, with a myriad of technical difficulties, how the Lord provided strength, encouragement, and solutions, for I was anything but peaceful. Tired, frustrated, and done...tears came easily in those moments of exhaustion. All that was within me longed to just bail, stop the presses, run away. But there were these little titans called love and commitment. Such trite words in this society of disposable everything. Yet, to me, huge words with huge implications. Beacons. Lights that would not be snuffed out despite my gloominess. And in reality, a strength from within that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my Lord, my Savior, my Jesus. I take it for granted - in the best of ways - that He will be with me, lead me, carry me. He always has and He always will. To me, this is abiding. Exercising the reality of His sovereignty and His power by continuing to walk, by choosing to train my mind back to truth, by believing on Him for every good and perfect gift...no matter how it's wrapped. 

Now we're ten days away from a wedding that is stretching my mind and my creativity, even as it's stretching toward 350 guests. Oh mylanta! Or, as my buffet coordinator said, "My you girls sure know how to throw a party!" The other day I asked the happy couple why they couldn't have been a bit more annoying or unlikeable. What's with all the friends? That's what I get for having the belief that weddings should include as many friends and family as possible. And despite wondering how we'll accommodate everyone, I am thrilled to share this celebration with so many others who love Danny and Monica. The Lord has been providing all along and I know His resources are endless. So the theme of this, my last child's, wedding seems to be "go big, or go home." Go big on faith. Go big on trust. Go big on love and commitment. Press on. 

A friend said the other day, "You look relaxed." Well, all I can say is, "That's my Jesus."

Quiet

I love this little spot on my over-sized sofa. Nestled into to the cushions, the sun streaming in behind me, I close my eyes and all is quiet. Sometimes quiet is such a strange thing - or should I say, unusual thing - that you can hear it. Do you know what I mean? For a moment there even my brain was quiet and I listened...oh, sweet quiet, you are music to my ears. And as I listened I remembered this verse in Isaiah, well, at least part of it, "in quietness and trust is your strength." So I opened a new tab on this little laptop and looked it up. Ah...here is all of the verse:

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." ~Isaiah 30:15

Oh my. The tears begin to flow. "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." Oh my. How often do I reject the rest and quiet? How often do I delay repentance? Am I really trusting my "Sovereign LORD?" And my prayer is simply, "Oh, Jesus...." 

This morning I'm am loving the Spirit's conviction. I am treasuring the Lord's voice speaking softly to my heart. There is a sweet warmth to my tears. They are "coming home" tears. Yes, I am still sitting in my house, but all around me is the Lord's strong and gentle embrace. I am home. It is good to be here. And I know that as often as I come, He is here...along with this provision of salvation and strength...and rest. 

I will sign off now. Jesus is here. We're going to sit quietly together. Words aren't even necessary when He is here. He knows my every thought already. And, truly, I don't want to be so busy talking that I miss hearing what else He has to say. 

Dear Monica...

Wow, the words are echoing in my mind even as you lay there abandoned to a much needed nap, "I'm not like you, Mom!" Hmm...

You remember how hard track was your freshman year? You'd never done track before. Ever. You weren't even a runner. None of us are runners. But suddenly you felt called to this new adventure...and you went for it! You even persevered at the long jump for many weeks before you switched to the mile. You were tired, slower than most everyone else, and dealing with pain in muscles you didn't know you had. But you kept at it! Spurred on by your teammates and by some unseen inner drive, you continued training week after week. I recall your first race. How awesome it was when you finished. Not placed, but finished. It was an awesome achievement. To go out there in front of that huge crowd knowing that you would not be the fastest...or even close. But you did it. And you made me proud. You did all you could to prepare, and you didn't give up. You just kept on running.

Well, sweet daughter, all of life is that way. You start out slow, and sore, and trying to figure out the proper technique...for this, that, and the other thing. But as awkward as you feel - and truly are - sometimes, you just keep running...pressing on. Some days it's far from pretty. Some days you'll be so sore in heart, mind, and body. Others, completely spent and out of breath despite only having run a little way. Quite often it'll be embarrassing to be in the race at all...and you'll pray that no one saw how badly you did. But then there are times when there's nothing more exhilarating than the feel of the sun on your face, the wind in your hair, and the sweet smell of spring. You'll lean on the Lord and you'll learn your pace and really just how far you can be stretched. Always so much farther than you thought. The Lord has begun a good work in you and He will not give up till He's done...till you're mature, complete, and lacking nothing. But you don't get to chose how that training happens. Therefore, life is hard, but wonderful; insane one moment and joyful the next. Laughter and tears will mingle in worshipful melody. You will stumble and be lifted up. You will grow, yet still fail. And through it all, the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you. Ever.

No, you're not like me. But I was once like you - young and awkward sometimes, not sure what the heck I was doing most of the time. Now I'm old and awkward, and not sure what I'm doing most of the time. But I've learned to be ok with that. I know it doesn't matter what I think I can do...or can't do. God has given me everything I need for life and godliness, and at some point in my early 30s I started choosing to live in that truth. I'd learned a lot of other practical things by then...cooking, cleaning, shopping, budgeting, blah, blah, blah...I'd even been a believer for many years, but running my race with true faith was new. And you know all too well, that even with the faith the Lord has given me, I still get whiny and tired and cranky. But I know without a shadow of a doubt Who will restore me and renew my strength. And in spite of my whiny self, I've learned - from practice and from failing - that He is the One I must always run to. I don't want you to be like me. I want you to be like Him.

So, dear Monica, you will be stretched as you embrace all the practical things that are now coming your way. And you are certainly being stretched spiritually. You will feel tired, and sore, and "done." But that's how training works. Muscles strengthen with opposition. Don't despise the pain. It's giving you stamina. It's building your faith. Keep on running! He's beckoning you to trust Him more than ever. So go for it! Be willing to throw off anything that hinders and run the race marked out for you. The Lord has a story to tell through your life. He will be glorified and you will learn to rest in His goodness. It's gonna be so great! Press on. Embrace Him. Run!

I love you with all my heart,

Mom

Weddings, Wakefulness and Whining

I find myself at odds these days. My body and mind begging for downtime. My to do list begging for attention. You know how it is when you have two whiny kids pulling on opposing pant legs voicing their complaints in some sort of dramatic minor-scaled mini-opera? Suddenly your emotions get carried away in the crescendo of it all and you come in with your own dis-harmonizing whine that floats above theirs creating a perfect cacophony of shredded nerves and tears. That is my inner battle today. Well...lately. You see, my beautiful daughter, Monica, is getting married in May to handsome -and wonderful - Danny Porter. And while I'm truly delighted for them, I am also at the end of myself...or so it would seem. (More on that later.) Having planned, helped plan, consulted on, and/or coordinated five weddings in the last three years something in me is balking at the well thought out "wedding task list" that I printed out a few weeks ago. You would think that after all that experience I could jump in with gusto and "get 'er done!" But Self seems to be staging a sit-down strike - with one pant leg firmly in her grasp.  Bleh. Isn't it much more fun to think about all the wonderful things we do in serving the Lord and our families, than to remember - and deal with - all the bad attitudes, trust issues, and whininess that we have to repent of and wade through each time? It's all yuck and I'm stuck...cuz the to do list whiner has the other pant leg.

Then there is the other wedding friend who dropped by last night. Wakefulness. She was expected, but not for a few weeks yet. It seems inevitable - for me at least - that as I lay my head down at night my brain snaps to full alert mode when there's something big looming. "What about this? Who will do that? How on earth will that work?" In terms of a wedding it blossoms into full visualizing of room layouts, wedding attire, buffet tables -and every minute detail that I dare not forget - dancing through my mind like a succession of 30 second YouTube videos...without cool background music. Does this happen to anyone else? Suffice it to say, by 4:15am I gave up,  donned my fleecy robe, and headed for the kitchen. It was 4:15! I was awake and hungry! So there I sat in darkness with my Cheerios and the laptop browsing through Facebook, being reminded of people who needed prayer..."and Lord I know I'm one." "Just a poor wayfaring stranger...." Well, strange, at any rate. 

So now I sit on that same comfy couch with the sun streaming through the window mocking my desire to be sulky and do nothing today. Am I really at the end of myself or will I let Self have her way...again? I'm thinking I've pretty much had it with all the dramatic tension. So I will now remind myself of the strategies I have for shaking her off. The Lord has provided them all.

Truth. His word tells me that "[He] will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in [Him]." (Is 26:3) He planted this verse in my brain nearly ten years ago. He knew I'd need it. Another one came with it, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Ps 73:26) Today my heartand my flesh are failing. It's a two-fer! The Word is full of truth that reminds me of the Lords love for me, His provision for me, His awesome power, and His protection. I learned something many years ago that has become my baseline question in times like these. In my mind it goes something like this: "Ok. That's how you feel, but what does the Word say?" Training my mind back to the truth always brings order to any chaos of operatic proportions. 

Trust. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Prov 3:5,6) The Lord burned this one into my heart over twenty years ago and it still challenges me to look beyond what I see and remember that the Lord is high above me in knowledge, thoughts and ability. (Is 55:8,9) I have to choose to turn my eyes, my heart and my will to the Lord in trust. I cannot trust myself. That is well known by me and scores of witnesses. I do not have it in my strength or limited knowledge to accomplish these tasks before me. I have learned that well with all five weddings....and everything that came before and in between them. But the Lord's resources are limitless. I can choose to call upon him, surrender my anxiety and my attitude, and find rest in how He will order all these things. He has directed my path and He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I can trust Him for my life and for this wedding.

Thankfulness. This one is huge...and hard to remember above the whine. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6,7) It never ceases to amaze me how "counting your blessings," as it were, truly does usher in the power of the Holy Spirit, bringing peace and actually setting a guard against further anxiety. It is easy to leave thankfulness out of my choosing to "not be anxious" and my "prayer" and "petition," but it's kind of like a three-legged stool, wobbly at best. Thankfulness brings a change of mind and of heart. And it brings me to repentance. How could I be such a whiner in the face of all that the Lord has promised, provided, done? He is all of goodness and grace. And I love these two whom He has brought together. I do want to serve them well and help put this wedding together...which in itself celebrates our thankfulness to God. Weddings are a picture of Christ coming for His bride who is dressed in white - made clean by His atonement for sin. How beautiful to celebrate this covenant. 

Weddings, wakefulness, and whining are no match for the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It's just the truth. I want to live in that place of rest today. "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." (Ps 91:1) So now I have remembered the "calmer" of pant-leg clutcher number two. I don't need to whine above her, I need to rest under Him...His shelter, His wing. "Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me." (Ps 63:7,8) "I sing in the shadow of Your wings..." I love that visual...and audio. There I am tucked under the Lord's wing singin' away...no matter what is happening around me. I can and must cling to Him, His word, His trustworthiness, His provision. 

I'm pretty sure I wrote an "essay" just like this several months ago. Similar issues, same conclusions, different packaging. There will always be new things that God is calling me to...calling you to. They may be real and excruciating trials, or they may be real, but only painful because Self doesn't want to die and let Life live, and reign, and be victorious. Either way, the choice is there each time. Victory the time before doesn't mean automatic victory this time. It is always a choice. I know what my choice must be and I know that even the strength to do that comes from my gracious Father who, by His divine power, has given me everything I need for life and godliness. (2 Pet 1:3) So, I think I will get off this comfy couch, shake out my pant legs, and start doing a few things around here. One hour of sleep is not so bad. And my list will look so festive with some lovely check marks on it. First on the list? Tuck in and start singing. 

Danny & Monica: A Mother's Story

By the tone of the conversation, and the sound of a pen being thrown across the room, I could tell something was not going well. It became very clear, even from where I sat downstairs watching some program that I've long forgotten, that Danny was breaking up with Monica. He had left for a yearlong Gospel for Asia internship just months before amidst tears, and hugs, and vows of love. So my first thought was, "How could this be?" Not that, as parents, we weren't glad for that year of "space" from one another. She was now almost 17 and he, 19. But I never saw this coming. “Lord, what are You doing?" As I sat there praying over both of them, and already beginning to ache for Monica, I heard so plainly, "Trust Me." And as my thoughts continued to whirl and the one side of the conversation that I could hear escalated, I heard again, "Trust Me." This was my sweet daughter who never gave her heart quickly...and who had never given her heart to any young man before. I knew this was going to be devastating. And so began a very painful year...

I remember the night at youth group that I first saw them together. Monica, then 15, was having a hard time after the study was done and had gone outside and walked to the end of the building. As all the kids were milling around, I went out to check on her and saw Danny walking over. I don't know why, but my first thought was, "Oh, good. Danny is awesome. She'll be ok talking to Danny." You see, for a very brief time Danny and our other daughter, Jillian, had hung out, and though I liked him quite well I could never "see" them together. But for some reason, just seeing him with Monica looked right. Their conversation that night led to many others. Both of them being talkers and deep thinkers, their friendship bloomed into much more. (That is the short version.) By the time Danny left for GFA the next summer, they were quite smitten and very committed to continue their relationship while he was away.

And so, we come to that fateful night in November….In time it became silent upstairs and I made my way up. As Monica, still in disbelief and shock, haltingly poured out chunks of their conversation, I listened and prayed silently. I knew only two things: the Lord's words, "Trust Me" and that somehow I needed to help Monica navigate this hurt so that bitterness would not ruin her heart. We talked over many things, and I remember challenging her. "If you really love him, what does it look like to love him now? When there’s nothing in it for you? Do you only love him if you can have him, or do you want the best for him no matter what that looks like?" I shared with her what the Lord had told me – to trust Him. She shared that He had told her, "Submit." And so we talked and prayed about these things, in one form or other, for over year. And she prayed that her feelings for Danny would die if he were not the "one" the Lord had for her.

There were a few conversations between them here and there that year, but nothing that gave any hope, even when she saw him at his sister’s graduation in June. Then the longed for, and dreaded, time arrived. July 2009. He was coming home from Texas. It had been so much easier for her to deal with it all, or to sweep it under the rug, when he wasn't here. But the first time she saw him she grudgingly said, "Oh mom. I still love him." Yikes! Ok, here we go...

What's crazy throughout all this is that there were so many people secretly rooting for them. We all wanted what the Lord wanted, but "they" just made sense to so many of us. A lot of prayers went up on their behalf. Yet it was a perplexing time for me. It was not my place to encourage her to hang on to hope, even though I still thought they would be together one day. So what do I say? How do I counsel her without manipulating anything? I knew that first and foremost she needed to grow in her relationship with God. No matter what happened this was essential. I needed the Lord's wisdom so much and to hang on to what He had said – trust Me. I prayed a lot and knew I just had to wait and encourage her to continue to surrender everything - always easier said than done.

Crazy thing number two: Years before they ever dated, the Lord had called me to begin praying for Danny. It was Winter Camp 2004. I knew him only as the new kid…Danny…Zander’s friend.  But one evening after a chapel time I saw him stay behind to pray and sensed the Lord was calling him. So I began praying. As it turns out, that is the weekend he asked the Lord into his life. Then, perhaps a year later, I saw him serving as an usher. It really warmed my heart that he seemed to be growing and serving. The Lord told me very clearly, "I have a call on his life. Pray for him." And so I began praying for Danny Porter. Well, the Lord didn't free me from this call - even after Danny broke my daughter's heart. And He told me I was to show Danny grace. Grace… So I continued to pray for him and send him scriptures or words of encouragement as the Lord laid him on my heart, all the while having to periodically wrestle down my own anger and disappointment (i.e. wanting to tell him off big time, or maybe even let older "sister" Jessica beat him up like she wanted to). But I knew what the Lord commanded, and bitterness could have no place. So despite it all, I willingly obeyed. The reality was that, by then, I loved Danny like a son. I did want the Lord's best for him. And if that didn't include Monica, I had no right to hang on to that either.

Now back to Danny's return: After some stilted conversations here and there, the two of them fell back into an easy friendship sometime in the fall. No more awkwardness. By Christmas-time, he was hanging out with our family off and on. We always loved having him around and it was fun to enjoy great conversations, laughter and times of prayer together. I was beginning to hope. Monica was daring to wonder. Nothing was said. It was just great that they were friends again.

Fast forward to late winter when honesty arose: To their mutual surprise, yes, they did still care for one another. But there would be no move beyond friendship till Monica graduated. And so, for many months, they waited. Her graduation day was June 5th. A week and a day later, at the church on that patch of sidewalk at the end of the building where they had first talked three years before, Danny asked Monica to be his girlfriend. This was courting, not dating. They both felt that the Lord had brought them together again not just to try things out, but with the intention of marriage sometime in the future. And, frankly, from my point of view, there could be no playing with her heart. It had to be real, or it had to be nothing.

So now what started as a friendship over three years ago has turned to a much greater commitment. The months of courting have ended. Having received Ty’s blessing, Danny asked Monica to marry him on November 13th, at Finch Arboretum, on her birthday and their five-month anniversary. After a brief moment of disbelief, she said yes. He had totally surprised her, which is no small feat. (Again, this is the short version.)

It’s funny that though I did know the proposal was coming, there is something that goes on in the head and heart of a mom when you first hear, “We’re engaged!” It was definitely a deep emotional response, one that I didn’t get much time to process. Since Danny had to return to work for the afternoon, Monica, her cousin Amanda, and I ended up taking a fun birthday shopping trip soon after I was told the joyful news. Well, I kept forgetting which way to go, definitely took some wrong turns, and drove us by way of the proverbial scenic route. Thank goodness they were patient and just kept laughing at me. I probably should not have been driving that day. There was so much on my mind. I found myself looking back on all of the twists and turns of the past few years. Years that also included both Monica’s brother and sister, Trent and Jillian, getting married, a surprise “we’re pregnant” announcement from Jake and Jill just before Christmas last year, Monica’s graduation from high school and the community college, Jillian living with us last summer – pregnant and on bed rest, the birth of our beautiful grand daughter, and helping their little family finally get settled in far off Florida. It has been quite an emotional and spiritual journey for this mom.

It has also been quite a journey for Danny and Monica, one that did require trust and submission. Honestly, I am glad that their path included struggle. It has matured them. I believe that, though very painful, it was His will for them to be apart for a time. And remember the Lord's instruction to me on behalf of Danny after the break up? He had said to show him grace. How awesome it was for me to discover that one of the most significant things Danny learned during his year away was grace. That he lacked it for others, that he needed it, that the Lord was all of grace. They have both learned so much in these past two years since their breakup – about themselves and the Lord.  In their hearts, they are not just kids in love. Life and struggle have brought a different perspective…and new challenges. But that is the way of this life. It is the Lord’s way. In the end He works it all for good for those who love Him.

And the spirit of my question on the night of their break up still stands. “What does it look like to love him now? What will it look like to love her then?” Those we commit to love will bring us great joy, but they will also bring sorrow, disappointment, and heartache. It is the risk of loving. Will we look to God and remain committed to the best for the other person or will it always be about us and our immediate happiness? Will we give ourselves permission to harbor anger and bitterness? There is no place for that in any relationship. True love has to go beyond pleasing ourselves. True love is sacrifice, and we never know how that will look in our marriages. What will this kind of love require? How many times will we need to forgive? How long, Lord, will it take to heal my heart, or his issue? So it is good to begin learning early the lessons of selfless love. Even if there had been no happy ending here, both Danny and Monica would have been called to forgive, to love one another as brother and sister, and to continue to trust the Lord.

But today we do get to celebrate this joyful, new engagement. With all that has happened in our family, and with Danny and Monica, I do like this happy ending - which is really just a new beginning. And with this new beginning, I will continue to do what mothers do. I will pray for the riches of God’s grace to fill their lives with all that is needful, now and always. And I will be thankful for the addition of a new son. You see, I always wanted six kids. Now six it shall be, and I only had to raise three. I have teased my kids throughout the years about arranging their marriages. As it turned out, I never needed to. God chose well for all of them. He can be trusted.

Tears

I am fighting a losing battle with tears this morning. It's hard to put on your makeup when your eyes are leaking. Not that I want to hide the tears, but I would like to at least dim the dark circles that I've had since childhood. These days it's hard to fathom the origin of my tears. They are such a mixed bag of joy, sorrow, awe, and, well, hormones. Today they come from a very deep place and I choose to let them fall, even as I write. Good thing I have not yet attempted my mascara.

To be alive is a wondrous thing. It is both wonderful, at times, and keeps us wondering at others. The Lord says through His servant David that we are "fearfully and wonderfully" made. That the maker of all things has known us before all time and knit us together uniquely and intimately - for a divine purpose. I like divine purposes because they stand when everything else seems to be falling apart, or at least just listing from side to side precariously. And I have learned to love being alive - in Him, by Him, for Him - through all kinds of weather.

Today, the weather calls for precipitation upon my cheeks. Well, let it rain. As I prepare to part from my precious daughter, son-in-law, and new granddaughter, I am filled with mixed emotions. I reflect back on the paths of life and the divine hand that wove them each into my heart. And I am thankful that I love them each so deeply that the tears spring forth. I would rather love deeply and hurt than never love at all. Love is one of those things that is the richest when we just run headlong into it; touches us most profoundly when we abandon ourselves to it wholeheartedly. And so, today, my whole heart rejoices and aches all at the same time.

From the day that my eyes first fell upon my beautiful Jillian, to the day that I met Jake at the coffee bar (not knowing that this fun young man would one day be my son), to the challenging & wondrous day of Cadence's birth, to now, the Lord has been weaving His marvelous plan. Amidst the fun of raising a daughter, the sleepless nights - due to illness or just crying out to God for wisdom, protection, direction - the anguish of sharing her sorrows, the joy of laughing at her silliness, His hand was always there. Through the uncertainty of "letting her go" into womanhood, I knew I could trust my God. How could I not let her go to become all that He had planned? It is a gift to let your children go. A wonderful gift to them. I still pray for the grace to do it well.

And so, I prepare for a new kind of letting go. The kind that means we'll be far from one another. I love this little family. I love the tenderness of Jake with Jillian as she weathers the changing emotions of new motherhood. I love his joy at the sight of his daughter and the way he talks to her, sings to her, and kisses her whole face. I love my daughter who is beautiful in her own right, and is now experiencing the seasoning of being a wife and mother. And I love my sweet Cadence as fiercely as I ever loved one of my own children. She is burned into my heart alongside Trent, Jillian, and Monica. My child's child. She is a wondrous mystery of potential. Her personality is already hinted at, her life's journey yet to be known. But she is well loved. And in a few days I will say goodbye and begin a relationship with them that does not rely on proximity, but on the oneness that we share as family, as those who love, in Christ. And He is good. He is all and everywhere. He will be close to them when I cannot be, and that is a far better thing. It is a wonderful thing. So, instead of fighting it, I will dance in the rain of these tears and surrender, once again, to His divine plan. Thank you, Jesus, for tears and for holding my heart today and always.