On "Becoming the Real Me"

I read a blog today. The title made me curious: "Becoming the Real Me." The author talked about taking the time to discover your passions and the Lord's purpose for your life. Have I done this? Well, I just turned forty-nine and married off my last child. So after twenty-five years of being a full time mom and nearly twenty-nine as a wife, I am now entering into the proverbial "empty nest." It is a good time to reflect and seek the Lord for this next season of my life. Truth is, I have been preparing for this transition for a while now. I've prayed for grace to let my children go. I've given thought and prayer to what is next. Though not still a mom in that ever-busy 24/7 manner, I am still a wife and I look forward to having more time to spend with my husband. And I do have dreams I'd like to pursue. Have I become the real me? Yes...and not yet.  

When I was only sixteen I knew the Lord's call on my life was to be a wife and mother. And specifically to be home with my children full time. It was a radical call in the early 80s - to forego the pursuit of a career and outward status, and as an honor student, to disappoint my parents and teachers by not finishing college, to continually answer the question from other women, "So what do you do all day?" No power suits. No title. No cushy paycheck. Married at twenty and a mother by twenty-three, I was well on my way, yet I did have to grapple with these issues. After all, I was still becoming an adult, forming my preferences, and sometimes feeling unsure about life. Who was I? And more importantly, how did I see myself? Would I define my worth by what others thought or said, or would I forge ahead boldly on the path that had been given me? Would I be forever cowed by others comments, or learn to be dance in my own skin, following my own Drummer? It was good to wrestle with these things, for definition came and with it a clarity of vision that helped me embrace all the joys and challenges that would follow. During those early years of motherhood the Lord gave me the first scripture verse I ever memorized. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." (Proverbs 3:5,6) These verses are just as much a beacon to me now as they were then, like an inner north star when I might have lost my way. To dive into them now would require an entirely separate essay, so I'll leave you to meditate on them yourself. Only He can show you your path.

Some might say that I gave up a lot in pursuing this domestic life, but I can say with complete honesty that being a wife and mother has not put "me" on hold at all. It has enriched who I am, challenging me to the very depth of my soul and to the outer limits of my intellect. It has shown me the beauty of being a woman, which has been wonderful for this former tomboy who once thought it would be way cooler to be a boy. I have found that everything that has come into my life - everything! - has prepared me to receive the next blessing or challenge. I can look back and know that nothing was wasted. No grief, no joy, no bout of depression, no sleepless night, no day of silliness, no aching heart. As I've sought Him in all these moments, I have discovered my passions. First and foremost, my passion for Him which fills my heart with peace, my life with meaning, and keeps my motives as pure as possible. As a young woman I only dreamed of knowing the Lord so intimately. Now He is my greatest joy. And over the years He has continued to call me in ways that have either terrified me or stretched me to the limit. But each new adventure has been pivotal in growing my faith and in ultimately bringing joy and satisfaction. Emphasis on ultimately. Many journeys required years of waiting or rubber "faith" boots for trudging through messiness and deep weeds. He showed me recently that the call I had from Him as a teenager to be "a happy wife and mother" was more than just a call for a season. It is a call to be a mentor and discipler of others for my whole life. To nuture and care for those in my path so that they might know Him intimately. To encourage those younger that they willfind their way, or be able to love their husband, or find a way to balance keeping their house and keeping their sanity. I can definitely wrap my head around that. You see, that is also one of my passions.

The Lord gave me a creative bent and a love of language. I have been drawing, making music, and reading since I was very young. I was just beginning formal art studies when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. Not being type A enough to want to juggle home and school, I turned my attention to preparing to be a mother. Then as as my children grew, I unleashed my silliness on them and encouraged their creativity. I have continued to read classics and other thought provoking books throughout the years. It's not always easy to take a vacation when you have young children, but you can get lost in a book for just a little while, at least long enough to enrich your perspective and have a view of the larger context of life outside of runny noses and endless loads of laundry. So after twenty-five years I have no great works of art nor books of verse to my name, but if you look closely at my children you will see marks of creativity. Though they are the Lord's, somewhere in their bent of personality or in the curve of their smile, my name is etched. They are surely burned into my heart forever. I have also discovered that my early love of literature has not been wasted, for I look at life and see poetry, irony, metaphor and simile. I see great themes playing out before me in the world, within my family, in the lives of my friends. I have been able to fall in love with God's word not only for it's revealing of His heart and mind, but for it's depth and imagery and beauty. And on occasion, I have been able to capture lyrics on a page as they sang through my mind. Worshiping the Lord in song, whether at home on my little upright or on a grand piano with scores of others, is one of my greatest joys; praising the One who is the eternal Creator and who's life giving words spoke everything into existence.

Have I become the real me? Have I discovered His purpose for me? The answer is both yes and not yet. I have fulfilled one of my greatest desires - to raise my children by pouring my life into theirs, by stretching myself and my faith in front of them so that they could see that it was worthwhile to do so, and by loving them and seeking their forgiveness when I blew it royally so that they could learn how to forgive, and live, and love well in this messy thing we call life on earth. I have been tutor, helper, leader, counselor, receptionist, bookkeeper, even barista. I have hunkered down and fought for my marriage when the going got tough. For though I was not always a "happy" wife, I thank God that I was a determined wife. I am glad for the "ultimate" joy in staying married and now reaping the rewards of His healing and purpose for us, not just me. So am I done? Is it glide and abide time? Not a chance! There is so much left to discover, so many more adventures and relationships to pursue, dreams to rekindle. Will I write? Well, that has certainly always been a dream. Will I create works of art? I'm thinking that might be fun. Will I keep singing? As long as I have breath. And I'm a grandma now! How fun is that?!

Next year I will turn fifty. That's pretty exciting to me because each new decade of my life has been better than the last. In a healthy and realistic way, I like who I've become as I've shed unhealthy "skin" over the years and replaced it with better thoughts, attitudes and actions. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm ok with that. I regularly lay those flaws at my Savior's feet. It is His power that works in me to will and to act according to His good purpose (Phillippians 2:13) and it is my desire to live in His purpose. My constant imperfections only highlight God's perfection and His mercy in forgiving me and calling me to Himself, which then unleashes all kinds of thankfulness. It is good to be His daughter. So I think I'll just keep leaning into Him and His understanding. Trusting Him has been working well so far, just like He promised. He knows the plans He has for me, so I'm just going to keep it real and be myself and follow where He leads me now.