On "Becoming the Real Me"

I read a blog today. The title made me curious: "Becoming the Real Me." The author talked about taking the time to discover your passions and the Lord's purpose for your life. Have I done this? Well, I just turned forty-nine and married off my last child. So after twenty-five years of being a full time mom and nearly twenty-nine as a wife, I am now entering into the proverbial "empty nest." It is a good time to reflect and seek the Lord for this next season of my life. Truth is, I have been preparing for this transition for a while now. I've prayed for grace to let my children go. I've given thought and prayer to what is next. Though not still a mom in that ever-busy 24/7 manner, I am still a wife and I look forward to having more time to spend with my husband. And I do have dreams I'd like to pursue. Have I become the real me? Yes...and not yet.  

When I was only sixteen I knew the Lord's call on my life was to be a wife and mother. And specifically to be home with my children full time. It was a radical call in the early 80s - to forego the pursuit of a career and outward status, and as an honor student, to disappoint my parents and teachers by not finishing college, to continually answer the question from other women, "So what do you do all day?" No power suits. No title. No cushy paycheck. Married at twenty and a mother by twenty-three, I was well on my way, yet I did have to grapple with these issues. After all, I was still becoming an adult, forming my preferences, and sometimes feeling unsure about life. Who was I? And more importantly, how did I see myself? Would I define my worth by what others thought or said, or would I forge ahead boldly on the path that had been given me? Would I be forever cowed by others comments, or learn to be dance in my own skin, following my own Drummer? It was good to wrestle with these things, for definition came and with it a clarity of vision that helped me embrace all the joys and challenges that would follow. During those early years of motherhood the Lord gave me the first scripture verse I ever memorized. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." (Proverbs 3:5,6) These verses are just as much a beacon to me now as they were then, like an inner north star when I might have lost my way. To dive into them now would require an entirely separate essay, so I'll leave you to meditate on them yourself. Only He can show you your path.

Some might say that I gave up a lot in pursuing this domestic life, but I can say with complete honesty that being a wife and mother has not put "me" on hold at all. It has enriched who I am, challenging me to the very depth of my soul and to the outer limits of my intellect. It has shown me the beauty of being a woman, which has been wonderful for this former tomboy who once thought it would be way cooler to be a boy. I have found that everything that has come into my life - everything! - has prepared me to receive the next blessing or challenge. I can look back and know that nothing was wasted. No grief, no joy, no bout of depression, no sleepless night, no day of silliness, no aching heart. As I've sought Him in all these moments, I have discovered my passions. First and foremost, my passion for Him which fills my heart with peace, my life with meaning, and keeps my motives as pure as possible. As a young woman I only dreamed of knowing the Lord so intimately. Now He is my greatest joy. And over the years He has continued to call me in ways that have either terrified me or stretched me to the limit. But each new adventure has been pivotal in growing my faith and in ultimately bringing joy and satisfaction. Emphasis on ultimately. Many journeys required years of waiting or rubber "faith" boots for trudging through messiness and deep weeds. He showed me recently that the call I had from Him as a teenager to be "a happy wife and mother" was more than just a call for a season. It is a call to be a mentor and discipler of others for my whole life. To nuture and care for those in my path so that they might know Him intimately. To encourage those younger that they willfind their way, or be able to love their husband, or find a way to balance keeping their house and keeping their sanity. I can definitely wrap my head around that. You see, that is also one of my passions.

The Lord gave me a creative bent and a love of language. I have been drawing, making music, and reading since I was very young. I was just beginning formal art studies when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. Not being type A enough to want to juggle home and school, I turned my attention to preparing to be a mother. Then as as my children grew, I unleashed my silliness on them and encouraged their creativity. I have continued to read classics and other thought provoking books throughout the years. It's not always easy to take a vacation when you have young children, but you can get lost in a book for just a little while, at least long enough to enrich your perspective and have a view of the larger context of life outside of runny noses and endless loads of laundry. So after twenty-five years I have no great works of art nor books of verse to my name, but if you look closely at my children you will see marks of creativity. Though they are the Lord's, somewhere in their bent of personality or in the curve of their smile, my name is etched. They are surely burned into my heart forever. I have also discovered that my early love of literature has not been wasted, for I look at life and see poetry, irony, metaphor and simile. I see great themes playing out before me in the world, within my family, in the lives of my friends. I have been able to fall in love with God's word not only for it's revealing of His heart and mind, but for it's depth and imagery and beauty. And on occasion, I have been able to capture lyrics on a page as they sang through my mind. Worshiping the Lord in song, whether at home on my little upright or on a grand piano with scores of others, is one of my greatest joys; praising the One who is the eternal Creator and who's life giving words spoke everything into existence.

Have I become the real me? Have I discovered His purpose for me? The answer is both yes and not yet. I have fulfilled one of my greatest desires - to raise my children by pouring my life into theirs, by stretching myself and my faith in front of them so that they could see that it was worthwhile to do so, and by loving them and seeking their forgiveness when I blew it royally so that they could learn how to forgive, and live, and love well in this messy thing we call life on earth. I have been tutor, helper, leader, counselor, receptionist, bookkeeper, even barista. I have hunkered down and fought for my marriage when the going got tough. For though I was not always a "happy" wife, I thank God that I was a determined wife. I am glad for the "ultimate" joy in staying married and now reaping the rewards of His healing and purpose for us, not just me. So am I done? Is it glide and abide time? Not a chance! There is so much left to discover, so many more adventures and relationships to pursue, dreams to rekindle. Will I write? Well, that has certainly always been a dream. Will I create works of art? I'm thinking that might be fun. Will I keep singing? As long as I have breath. And I'm a grandma now! How fun is that?!

Next year I will turn fifty. That's pretty exciting to me because each new decade of my life has been better than the last. In a healthy and realistic way, I like who I've become as I've shed unhealthy "skin" over the years and replaced it with better thoughts, attitudes and actions. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm ok with that. I regularly lay those flaws at my Savior's feet. It is His power that works in me to will and to act according to His good purpose (Phillippians 2:13) and it is my desire to live in His purpose. My constant imperfections only highlight God's perfection and His mercy in forgiving me and calling me to Himself, which then unleashes all kinds of thankfulness. It is good to be His daughter. So I think I'll just keep leaning into Him and His understanding. Trusting Him has been working well so far, just like He promised. He knows the plans He has for me, so I'm just going to keep it real and be myself and follow where He leads me now. 

T minus 2 days

As Monday approaches, so does the time of departure for one sweet daughter and a squirrelly, so-cute-you-wanna-kiss-her-whole-face-all-the-time grand daughter. As much as the quiet and a chance for much needed down time beckon, I will miss them terribly. It's funny how caring for a baby does not seem burdensome as a grandma. You see, I didn't care how much sleep I got or didn't get, I was happy to hear the sound of that sweet little babbling voice coming up through the heater vents way too early in the morning. I wanted to go snatch her out of bed so her momma could sleep a little longer, but I never seemed to make it down in time to do that. So I'd settle for feeding her or watching her play while Jill took a break. And I'd dream of how fun it would be to get to play "nanny" any time I wanted to...if only they lived nearby, and of how great it would be to have coffee dates with Jill, sit together on the couch and just talk, or pour over the target.com website together in search of home decor bargains. We don't need amazing excursions. I like the ordinary times of just being together, talking about life and parenting, laughing at Cadence, or watching a cheesy movie. 

Oh, how I have treasured our little oasis of chaos during these past three weeks: tag team errand running with one car to share, a baby's antics to help lighten the mood if wedding details got too stressful, hearing my daughters laughing together or disappearing somewhere to have a private heart-to-heart, juggling visits to family with appointments and baby naps and trips to the grocery store, playing peek-a-boo when so many other things needed doing. I don't think I could have handled all that while on the countdown to Jillian's wedding. I was a rookie then. Everything was a new faith walk and I was running a pretty tight ship. But this time around the noise and numerous speed bumps just seemed to make me smile. I knew full well that there would be time enough for quiet and order. 

So I will savor these last days of being mom and grandma up close and personal. There will be laundry to do, suitcases to pack, and goodbyes to be said. There will be diapers to change, and bottles to wash, and owies to kiss. Life won't begin after they're gone. Life is now, amidst the baby clutter and towels to fold and dinner to make. I won't wish it away. I like that the Lord has enlarged my embrace of all things family and busy and boisterous. I see His grace so much sooner in this season of life. And at "T minus 2 days," I don't want to miss a thing.

The day after the wedding...

I always love the day after the wedding. As morning chases away dreamland, memories begin dancing - the way she looked, his smiling face, heartfelt vows and toasts, "family" by the hundreds, and so many loving, helping hands. These are the things that keep me going when wedding planning hits that midway point, maybe frustrations have arisen, and inevitably I'm feeling buried under that relentless wedding list. I remind myself of the incredible joy of seeing it all unfold. I can plan and work out the details of logistics, food, and decorations, but it's the intangibles that never cease to bring surprise and such great joy. 

The sense of love and fellowship that make, in this case, over 300 people seem like a close family gathering, music that expresses the couples heart, the blessing of a pastor's personal words, vows tenderly spoken, and all of it testifying to the fact that there was another Hand at work in the wedding planning. He is the Lord of the wedding feast. And I bow to Him today and thank Him for the richness of life in Him, for strength and provision, for food and dancing and laughter. 

As Ty shared with Danny and Monica last night, "Is marriage hard? Yes! Is it worth it? Absolutely!" And so too, for me, was the journey of planning this, my last child's wedding. Very hard at times, exhausting often, but so worth every errand run, every phone call made, every yard of fabric cut and flower purchased. Thank you, Lord, for Your master plan. I always pray that the Holy Spirit will be the defining adornment of my kids' weddings. And I do love the anticipation of seeing just how He will show up "this time." He was so present last night and wrote a new song in my heart, so I think I'll go dance in those memories just a little longer.

Midnight Musings: Ten days to go

Somehow amidst the chaos, and to do lists, and boxes of wedding whatnots piled high, I am at peace. It is both strange and wonderful. I remember not long ago when assembling wedding invitations stretched from a one week project into three, with a myriad of technical difficulties, how the Lord provided strength, encouragement, and solutions, for I was anything but peaceful. Tired, frustrated, and done...tears came easily in those moments of exhaustion. All that was within me longed to just bail, stop the presses, run away. But there were these little titans called love and commitment. Such trite words in this society of disposable everything. Yet, to me, huge words with huge implications. Beacons. Lights that would not be snuffed out despite my gloominess. And in reality, a strength from within that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my Lord, my Savior, my Jesus. I take it for granted - in the best of ways - that He will be with me, lead me, carry me. He always has and He always will. To me, this is abiding. Exercising the reality of His sovereignty and His power by continuing to walk, by choosing to train my mind back to truth, by believing on Him for every good and perfect gift...no matter how it's wrapped. 

Now we're ten days away from a wedding that is stretching my mind and my creativity, even as it's stretching toward 350 guests. Oh mylanta! Or, as my buffet coordinator said, "My you girls sure know how to throw a party!" The other day I asked the happy couple why they couldn't have been a bit more annoying or unlikeable. What's with all the friends? That's what I get for having the belief that weddings should include as many friends and family as possible. And despite wondering how we'll accommodate everyone, I am thrilled to share this celebration with so many others who love Danny and Monica. The Lord has been providing all along and I know His resources are endless. So the theme of this, my last child's, wedding seems to be "go big, or go home." Go big on faith. Go big on trust. Go big on love and commitment. Press on. 

A friend said the other day, "You look relaxed." Well, all I can say is, "That's my Jesus."

Quiet

I love this little spot on my over-sized sofa. Nestled into to the cushions, the sun streaming in behind me, I close my eyes and all is quiet. Sometimes quiet is such a strange thing - or should I say, unusual thing - that you can hear it. Do you know what I mean? For a moment there even my brain was quiet and I listened...oh, sweet quiet, you are music to my ears. And as I listened I remembered this verse in Isaiah, well, at least part of it, "in quietness and trust is your strength." So I opened a new tab on this little laptop and looked it up. Ah...here is all of the verse:

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." ~Isaiah 30:15

Oh my. The tears begin to flow. "In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it." Oh my. How often do I reject the rest and quiet? How often do I delay repentance? Am I really trusting my "Sovereign LORD?" And my prayer is simply, "Oh, Jesus...." 

This morning I'm am loving the Spirit's conviction. I am treasuring the Lord's voice speaking softly to my heart. There is a sweet warmth to my tears. They are "coming home" tears. Yes, I am still sitting in my house, but all around me is the Lord's strong and gentle embrace. I am home. It is good to be here. And I know that as often as I come, He is here...along with this provision of salvation and strength...and rest. 

I will sign off now. Jesus is here. We're going to sit quietly together. Words aren't even necessary when He is here. He knows my every thought already. And, truly, I don't want to be so busy talking that I miss hearing what else He has to say. 

Dear Monica...

Wow, the words are echoing in my mind even as you lay there abandoned to a much needed nap, "I'm not like you, Mom!" Hmm...

You remember how hard track was your freshman year? You'd never done track before. Ever. You weren't even a runner. None of us are runners. But suddenly you felt called to this new adventure...and you went for it! You even persevered at the long jump for many weeks before you switched to the mile. You were tired, slower than most everyone else, and dealing with pain in muscles you didn't know you had. But you kept at it! Spurred on by your teammates and by some unseen inner drive, you continued training week after week. I recall your first race. How awesome it was when you finished. Not placed, but finished. It was an awesome achievement. To go out there in front of that huge crowd knowing that you would not be the fastest...or even close. But you did it. And you made me proud. You did all you could to prepare, and you didn't give up. You just kept on running.

Well, sweet daughter, all of life is that way. You start out slow, and sore, and trying to figure out the proper technique...for this, that, and the other thing. But as awkward as you feel - and truly are - sometimes, you just keep running...pressing on. Some days it's far from pretty. Some days you'll be so sore in heart, mind, and body. Others, completely spent and out of breath despite only having run a little way. Quite often it'll be embarrassing to be in the race at all...and you'll pray that no one saw how badly you did. But then there are times when there's nothing more exhilarating than the feel of the sun on your face, the wind in your hair, and the sweet smell of spring. You'll lean on the Lord and you'll learn your pace and really just how far you can be stretched. Always so much farther than you thought. The Lord has begun a good work in you and He will not give up till He's done...till you're mature, complete, and lacking nothing. But you don't get to chose how that training happens. Therefore, life is hard, but wonderful; insane one moment and joyful the next. Laughter and tears will mingle in worshipful melody. You will stumble and be lifted up. You will grow, yet still fail. And through it all, the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you. Ever.

No, you're not like me. But I was once like you - young and awkward sometimes, not sure what the heck I was doing most of the time. Now I'm old and awkward, and not sure what I'm doing most of the time. But I've learned to be ok with that. I know it doesn't matter what I think I can do...or can't do. God has given me everything I need for life and godliness, and at some point in my early 30s I started choosing to live in that truth. I'd learned a lot of other practical things by then...cooking, cleaning, shopping, budgeting, blah, blah, blah...I'd even been a believer for many years, but running my race with true faith was new. And you know all too well, that even with the faith the Lord has given me, I still get whiny and tired and cranky. But I know without a shadow of a doubt Who will restore me and renew my strength. And in spite of my whiny self, I've learned - from practice and from failing - that He is the One I must always run to. I don't want you to be like me. I want you to be like Him.

So, dear Monica, you will be stretched as you embrace all the practical things that are now coming your way. And you are certainly being stretched spiritually. You will feel tired, and sore, and "done." But that's how training works. Muscles strengthen with opposition. Don't despise the pain. It's giving you stamina. It's building your faith. Keep on running! He's beckoning you to trust Him more than ever. So go for it! Be willing to throw off anything that hinders and run the race marked out for you. The Lord has a story to tell through your life. He will be glorified and you will learn to rest in His goodness. It's gonna be so great! Press on. Embrace Him. Run!

I love you with all my heart,

Mom