Waiting On God: Today

It's not the call you expect to get. Mine came a week and a half ago. "We need to see you for a re-check on your mammogram...something has changed from last year." Well, ok. Yes. Let's do that. Odd to realize that since this had never happened before, I had always taken this part of my health for granted. Now it was on my radar. The hardest thing for me was the thought of telling Ty, for he had already had a stressful day. I wasn't worried. I didn't want him to be either. You know how some people are more likely to worry and others aren't? Well, I'm the "I'll give it more thought when there's something real and confirmed to think about" kind of person. I don't like borrowing trouble. My husband has been more prone over the years to want to take things out to their various conclusions and perhaps consider the worst. Many of you understand that because you do it too. So I very calmly told him after dinner and expressed that I had a peace about it and was not worried. He seemed to catch my calm and we talked a bit, prayed, and left it at that.

Other than letting my kids know and asking a few others for prayer, I didn't give it much thought until last night. As this new season of life has begun for Ty and I, I have begun to think of our mortality in real terms. What if one of us were to get sick...you know sick, sick. Like cancer. For those of you who have fought through something like this it is very real. For me it's been only theoretical. Not a matter of, "Oh no! What if I get cancer?" but more a wondering, "What would I do? How would I react? Lord, how would you have me respond?" Needing now to give it some realistic thought, I found last night I was once again flooded with peace. Well, I will just keep on waiting on the Lord just as I always have for every obstacle that's come so far. Really, what else can I do? He might heal my body. He might not. He will definitely walk with me and hold me as close as He always has. And isn't that what I love the most. His presence. Even in the wee hours of the morning as my thoughts raced from topic to topic, I was overwhelmed with His goodness. Having just prayed over a friend's recent health affliction, the Lord had laid on my heart the book of Job...and the song by Matt Redmon, Blessed Be Your Name. Here are some highlights:

Blessed Be Your name in the land that is plentiful, where Your streams of abundance flow...when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness. Blessed Be Your name. 

Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord...

And the second verse...Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me, when the world's all as it should be...On the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering. Blessed be Your name.

You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name!

Then we sang this very song at church that evening. Another reminder. I love these lyrics and the honest choice we must make in faith to worship our God in all circumstances. There are roads marked with suffering and days of endless sunshine. Life is full of both and both make life full. There are times of plenty - spiritually and physically - and there are desert times where solitude turns to loneliness and our aching hearts seem to suffocate all signs of life. Though I do not love pain, I have learned to embrace it instead of running away. It always has much to teach me. Invaluable lessons. As the sweet technician this morning said, it is in the storms that we draw ever closer to the Lord. Yes, the Lord had granted me a lovely Christian technician with a delightful southern drawl. So soothing. I felt so loved. More peace.

After the initial re-check came an ultrasound. A quick call to Ty. All's well so far. You can come down if you'd like to, but I think I'll be fine. I didn't say, "The Lord is so near," but I'm sure it was communicated in my tone. It is well. Then a tall young woman arrived to take me for this next test, her pregnancy in full bloom, a smile on her face. More signs of life and hope. And in the end, all was well. All is well. Everything is normal. As I told her and the radiologist who came to explain everything to me, "Then it's a good day for all of us." For as I lay waiting for them to return I had begun to wonder what it might be like to have to be the bearers of bad news. How important their jobs were, not just to diagnose accurately, but to display professionalism, hopefully laced with compassion, when conveying news that would surely change the course of someones life forever.

But for today my life goes on as it has, though with a bit more appreciation for its ordinariness. A call made to a relieved and thankful husband. Text messages to the kids and those friends who knew what I was up to this sunny Friday morning in June. And as I arrived home and eagerly opened up to the next chapter in Andrew Murray's devotional book, Waiting On God, I was so blessed at how the Lord had prepared me for this unordinary day. Questions lifted to Him the night before being answered by His sweet presence and a knowing that I could just wait on HIm for whatever came. And here is the opening paragraph of this blessed exhortation to wait on the Lord for "more than we know"...

"There may be times when we feel as if we knew not what we are waiting for. There may be other times we think we do know, and when it would just be so good for us to realize that we do not know what to ask as we ought. God is able to do for us exceeding abundantly above what we ask or think, and we are in danger of limiting Him, when we confine our desires and prayers to our own thoughts of them. It is a great thing at times to say, as our psalm says: "And now, Lord, what wait I for?" I scarce know or can tell; this only I can say - "My hope is in Thee." (from Waiting On God, Andrew Murray, Day 13)

My hope is in Thee. Always and ever. The rest of the chapter speaks to the Lord's great power being only limited by our lack of faith to wait on Him for all that He can do, desires to do, will do if we but ask and believe and rest. I love that all I have to do is come and lay at His feet, or be lifted into His strong arms, and rest. He works all things for my good. I believe this with all my heart, even knowing that this relentless life will surely try and rear up to challenge His goodness in my eyes. But He has burned this truth into my heart as I've tested His many promises. Not in defiance, but in deep need. "Lord, if you don't save me from this, I will not be saved." "Be my strength Father, I am so weary I don't even want to get up, or think, or speak." "Be my hope for nothing of this earth must ever have my heart before You." "Oh God, I am so afraid!" 

I have learned not to expect specific outcomes, but always to expect God. Always! I have learned to look for him in desperation and in anticipation. These are the lessons of walking through pain. He is all and everywhere. He alone has the power to keep His promises. As it was said of Abraham in Romans 4:21,22"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."  In the NIV the verse quoted in Waiting On God is rendered: But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. ~Psalm 39:7. I look for Him. He alone is my hope. Today could have had a different outcome, but I pray that my response would have been the same:

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. ~Psalm 62:5

Diary of an insomniac

Burlap curtain panels. A big clock. An assortment of clocks. Time. I love clocks. Where should I put the desk? Appointment. Need to print some photos. Now how did that song go?  It would be cool to frame that poem for my office. Or I could give it to _____________. "I bow to You my God. Jesus, I bow to You. You are the Holy One. Jesus, I bow to You...Your name is Holy. You reign in glory, Mighty King. I lift my hands I praise Your name, I worship You..." Oh yeah..that's it. How can I get a copy of those pictures? Especially that one. What if I found some cream and black valances and added burlap panels to the floor?

Bookshelves. Where should I put the bookshelves? Did I save that little doodle of the kids? Wonder where those bags of old photos and stuff from the frig are? I could still put them in albums. That dresser might look cool. I could use the sheet music. So what if things don't go well? It'll be ok. "Behold the fullness of God. Jesus Christ, the Lamb, became a man. A light upon sinful sod. Redeeming love and sacrifice the plan...Crimson stain upon Your brow. All the pain that you endured for me. Your blood cleanses me now. You suffered death and rose so I could see...I could see." Now how did the instrumental part go? (playing it in my mind's eye...) Time To Go. I really should put that one up...with all the clocks. 

Blinds. I could get some different blinds, but they need to block out the afternoon sun. I can't sleep. Maybe I should just roll over. I can't believe that this is happening again. Oh well. What about a throw blanket? I could make a throw blanket. I have all those squares. Tomorrow. How will I respond? Short curtains? No. Boring. I could just get up... I think the desk should go there. I need to play those songs more often. Will I remember them? "Jesus, You are the Holy One. Spotless and pure, precious Lamb of God...." Gosh. That one was a long time ago. I should get up... What if I did that other one in a lower key? That might be weird. I love those little magnets. Maybe she would make me some. If I get up it's going to be cold. I should frame those. I could use the burlap. I need to be quiet. Where's my slippers? (feeling around in the dark) There they are. I'm kinda hungry. Gosh these thoughts are random. It is cold! Gotta close the door carefully. Don't walk on the squeaky part. Oh, man, the light's bright! Peanut butter. I think I'll write for a while...

On "Becoming the Real Me"

I read a blog today. The title made me curious: "Becoming the Real Me." The author talked about taking the time to discover your passions and the Lord's purpose for your life. Have I done this? Well, I just turned forty-nine and married off my last child. So after twenty-five years of being a full time mom and nearly twenty-nine as a wife, I am now entering into the proverbial "empty nest." It is a good time to reflect and seek the Lord for this next season of my life. Truth is, I have been preparing for this transition for a while now. I've prayed for grace to let my children go. I've given thought and prayer to what is next. Though not still a mom in that ever-busy 24/7 manner, I am still a wife and I look forward to having more time to spend with my husband. And I do have dreams I'd like to pursue. Have I become the real me? Yes...and not yet.  

When I was only sixteen I knew the Lord's call on my life was to be a wife and mother. And specifically to be home with my children full time. It was a radical call in the early 80s - to forego the pursuit of a career and outward status, and as an honor student, to disappoint my parents and teachers by not finishing college, to continually answer the question from other women, "So what do you do all day?" No power suits. No title. No cushy paycheck. Married at twenty and a mother by twenty-three, I was well on my way, yet I did have to grapple with these issues. After all, I was still becoming an adult, forming my preferences, and sometimes feeling unsure about life. Who was I? And more importantly, how did I see myself? Would I define my worth by what others thought or said, or would I forge ahead boldly on the path that had been given me? Would I be forever cowed by others comments, or learn to be dance in my own skin, following my own Drummer? It was good to wrestle with these things, for definition came and with it a clarity of vision that helped me embrace all the joys and challenges that would follow. During those early years of motherhood the Lord gave me the first scripture verse I ever memorized. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." (Proverbs 3:5,6) These verses are just as much a beacon to me now as they were then, like an inner north star when I might have lost my way. To dive into them now would require an entirely separate essay, so I'll leave you to meditate on them yourself. Only He can show you your path.

Some might say that I gave up a lot in pursuing this domestic life, but I can say with complete honesty that being a wife and mother has not put "me" on hold at all. It has enriched who I am, challenging me to the very depth of my soul and to the outer limits of my intellect. It has shown me the beauty of being a woman, which has been wonderful for this former tomboy who once thought it would be way cooler to be a boy. I have found that everything that has come into my life - everything! - has prepared me to receive the next blessing or challenge. I can look back and know that nothing was wasted. No grief, no joy, no bout of depression, no sleepless night, no day of silliness, no aching heart. As I've sought Him in all these moments, I have discovered my passions. First and foremost, my passion for Him which fills my heart with peace, my life with meaning, and keeps my motives as pure as possible. As a young woman I only dreamed of knowing the Lord so intimately. Now He is my greatest joy. And over the years He has continued to call me in ways that have either terrified me or stretched me to the limit. But each new adventure has been pivotal in growing my faith and in ultimately bringing joy and satisfaction. Emphasis on ultimately. Many journeys required years of waiting or rubber "faith" boots for trudging through messiness and deep weeds. He showed me recently that the call I had from Him as a teenager to be "a happy wife and mother" was more than just a call for a season. It is a call to be a mentor and discipler of others for my whole life. To nuture and care for those in my path so that they might know Him intimately. To encourage those younger that they willfind their way, or be able to love their husband, or find a way to balance keeping their house and keeping their sanity. I can definitely wrap my head around that. You see, that is also one of my passions.

The Lord gave me a creative bent and a love of language. I have been drawing, making music, and reading since I was very young. I was just beginning formal art studies when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child. Not being type A enough to want to juggle home and school, I turned my attention to preparing to be a mother. Then as as my children grew, I unleashed my silliness on them and encouraged their creativity. I have continued to read classics and other thought provoking books throughout the years. It's not always easy to take a vacation when you have young children, but you can get lost in a book for just a little while, at least long enough to enrich your perspective and have a view of the larger context of life outside of runny noses and endless loads of laundry. So after twenty-five years I have no great works of art nor books of verse to my name, but if you look closely at my children you will see marks of creativity. Though they are the Lord's, somewhere in their bent of personality or in the curve of their smile, my name is etched. They are surely burned into my heart forever. I have also discovered that my early love of literature has not been wasted, for I look at life and see poetry, irony, metaphor and simile. I see great themes playing out before me in the world, within my family, in the lives of my friends. I have been able to fall in love with God's word not only for it's revealing of His heart and mind, but for it's depth and imagery and beauty. And on occasion, I have been able to capture lyrics on a page as they sang through my mind. Worshiping the Lord in song, whether at home on my little upright or on a grand piano with scores of others, is one of my greatest joys; praising the One who is the eternal Creator and who's life giving words spoke everything into existence.

Have I become the real me? Have I discovered His purpose for me? The answer is both yes and not yet. I have fulfilled one of my greatest desires - to raise my children by pouring my life into theirs, by stretching myself and my faith in front of them so that they could see that it was worthwhile to do so, and by loving them and seeking their forgiveness when I blew it royally so that they could learn how to forgive, and live, and love well in this messy thing we call life on earth. I have been tutor, helper, leader, counselor, receptionist, bookkeeper, even barista. I have hunkered down and fought for my marriage when the going got tough. For though I was not always a "happy" wife, I thank God that I was a determined wife. I am glad for the "ultimate" joy in staying married and now reaping the rewards of His healing and purpose for us, not just me. So am I done? Is it glide and abide time? Not a chance! There is so much left to discover, so many more adventures and relationships to pursue, dreams to rekindle. Will I write? Well, that has certainly always been a dream. Will I create works of art? I'm thinking that might be fun. Will I keep singing? As long as I have breath. And I'm a grandma now! How fun is that?!

Next year I will turn fifty. That's pretty exciting to me because each new decade of my life has been better than the last. In a healthy and realistic way, I like who I've become as I've shed unhealthy "skin" over the years and replaced it with better thoughts, attitudes and actions. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm ok with that. I regularly lay those flaws at my Savior's feet. It is His power that works in me to will and to act according to His good purpose (Phillippians 2:13) and it is my desire to live in His purpose. My constant imperfections only highlight God's perfection and His mercy in forgiving me and calling me to Himself, which then unleashes all kinds of thankfulness. It is good to be His daughter. So I think I'll just keep leaning into Him and His understanding. Trusting Him has been working well so far, just like He promised. He knows the plans He has for me, so I'm just going to keep it real and be myself and follow where He leads me now. 

T minus 2 days

As Monday approaches, so does the time of departure for one sweet daughter and a squirrelly, so-cute-you-wanna-kiss-her-whole-face-all-the-time grand daughter. As much as the quiet and a chance for much needed down time beckon, I will miss them terribly. It's funny how caring for a baby does not seem burdensome as a grandma. You see, I didn't care how much sleep I got or didn't get, I was happy to hear the sound of that sweet little babbling voice coming up through the heater vents way too early in the morning. I wanted to go snatch her out of bed so her momma could sleep a little longer, but I never seemed to make it down in time to do that. So I'd settle for feeding her or watching her play while Jill took a break. And I'd dream of how fun it would be to get to play "nanny" any time I wanted to...if only they lived nearby, and of how great it would be to have coffee dates with Jill, sit together on the couch and just talk, or pour over the target.com website together in search of home decor bargains. We don't need amazing excursions. I like the ordinary times of just being together, talking about life and parenting, laughing at Cadence, or watching a cheesy movie. 

Oh, how I have treasured our little oasis of chaos during these past three weeks: tag team errand running with one car to share, a baby's antics to help lighten the mood if wedding details got too stressful, hearing my daughters laughing together or disappearing somewhere to have a private heart-to-heart, juggling visits to family with appointments and baby naps and trips to the grocery store, playing peek-a-boo when so many other things needed doing. I don't think I could have handled all that while on the countdown to Jillian's wedding. I was a rookie then. Everything was a new faith walk and I was running a pretty tight ship. But this time around the noise and numerous speed bumps just seemed to make me smile. I knew full well that there would be time enough for quiet and order. 

So I will savor these last days of being mom and grandma up close and personal. There will be laundry to do, suitcases to pack, and goodbyes to be said. There will be diapers to change, and bottles to wash, and owies to kiss. Life won't begin after they're gone. Life is now, amidst the baby clutter and towels to fold and dinner to make. I won't wish it away. I like that the Lord has enlarged my embrace of all things family and busy and boisterous. I see His grace so much sooner in this season of life. And at "T minus 2 days," I don't want to miss a thing.

The day after the wedding...

I always love the day after the wedding. As morning chases away dreamland, memories begin dancing - the way she looked, his smiling face, heartfelt vows and toasts, "family" by the hundreds, and so many loving, helping hands. These are the things that keep me going when wedding planning hits that midway point, maybe frustrations have arisen, and inevitably I'm feeling buried under that relentless wedding list. I remind myself of the incredible joy of seeing it all unfold. I can plan and work out the details of logistics, food, and decorations, but it's the intangibles that never cease to bring surprise and such great joy. 

The sense of love and fellowship that make, in this case, over 300 people seem like a close family gathering, music that expresses the couples heart, the blessing of a pastor's personal words, vows tenderly spoken, and all of it testifying to the fact that there was another Hand at work in the wedding planning. He is the Lord of the wedding feast. And I bow to Him today and thank Him for the richness of life in Him, for strength and provision, for food and dancing and laughter. 

As Ty shared with Danny and Monica last night, "Is marriage hard? Yes! Is it worth it? Absolutely!" And so too, for me, was the journey of planning this, my last child's wedding. Very hard at times, exhausting often, but so worth every errand run, every phone call made, every yard of fabric cut and flower purchased. Thank you, Lord, for Your master plan. I always pray that the Holy Spirit will be the defining adornment of my kids' weddings. And I do love the anticipation of seeing just how He will show up "this time." He was so present last night and wrote a new song in my heart, so I think I'll go dance in those memories just a little longer.

Midnight Musings: Ten days to go

Somehow amidst the chaos, and to do lists, and boxes of wedding whatnots piled high, I am at peace. It is both strange and wonderful. I remember not long ago when assembling wedding invitations stretched from a one week project into three, with a myriad of technical difficulties, how the Lord provided strength, encouragement, and solutions, for I was anything but peaceful. Tired, frustrated, and done...tears came easily in those moments of exhaustion. All that was within me longed to just bail, stop the presses, run away. But there were these little titans called love and commitment. Such trite words in this society of disposable everything. Yet, to me, huge words with huge implications. Beacons. Lights that would not be snuffed out despite my gloominess. And in reality, a strength from within that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my Lord, my Savior, my Jesus. I take it for granted - in the best of ways - that He will be with me, lead me, carry me. He always has and He always will. To me, this is abiding. Exercising the reality of His sovereignty and His power by continuing to walk, by choosing to train my mind back to truth, by believing on Him for every good and perfect gift...no matter how it's wrapped. 

Now we're ten days away from a wedding that is stretching my mind and my creativity, even as it's stretching toward 350 guests. Oh mylanta! Or, as my buffet coordinator said, "My you girls sure know how to throw a party!" The other day I asked the happy couple why they couldn't have been a bit more annoying or unlikeable. What's with all the friends? That's what I get for having the belief that weddings should include as many friends and family as possible. And despite wondering how we'll accommodate everyone, I am thrilled to share this celebration with so many others who love Danny and Monica. The Lord has been providing all along and I know His resources are endless. So the theme of this, my last child's, wedding seems to be "go big, or go home." Go big on faith. Go big on trust. Go big on love and commitment. Press on. 

A friend said the other day, "You look relaxed." Well, all I can say is, "That's my Jesus."